TBS

50 Conan O'Brien Quotes That Prove You Need A Man Who Can Make You Laugh

I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses. 
Holly Riordan
September 21, 2016
“When I'm on the freeway I can't help but honk at the a-holes who don't like my violent, unpredictable driving.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Driving, violent, Unpredictable
“Right before I die, if my life flashes before my eyes, I hope there aren't 30 second ads before each section.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Death, advertisements, Dying
“I love autumn in California… watching the leaves change color because they’re on fire.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: California, Seasons, Autumn, Fire
“If you scream in fake German for 30 seconds, at least one of those made up words will be the name of a German pastry.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: German, Language, food
“I'm in Berlin to see the sights and catch some Pokemann.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Pokemon, travel, sightseeing
“I always keep a giant-brimmed ladies’ hat ready, in case I ever need to sit in back of an auction house and mysteriously place a winning bid.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: auction, Mystery, Money
“Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing my body to the athletes on World Series of Poker.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Body Image, athletes, muscles, poker
“The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes?”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Time, Days, Funny
“I’m down to 1%, but that should be just enough to finish this twe”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: cell phone, battery, Twitter
“Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sex, Children, History, broadway
“Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Television, Death, sopranos
“I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Birds, Nature, Morning
“I don’t take my career for granted, which is why every April I renew my commercial crab fisherman’s license.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Career, back up plan, Fishing
“If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: hats, Summer, clothing
“Never tell a newly divorced masseuse to 'take your anger out on my shoulders.'””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: massage, Divorce, spa
“Fiji and I used to have the same number of Olympic gold medals. Touché, Fiji.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: olympics, fiji, Success
“If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: tennis, Sports, athletic
“I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: murderers, Murder, Death
“I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: baseball, Birds, Sports
“Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Dreams, Evil, Aliens
“My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Children, Parenting, Siblings
“I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve got great news. The bad news is that I don’t know what adjectives are.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: adjectives, Words, english
“I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: stan lee, Movies, comic con
“At drive-thrus, I order in a British accent but pay in a French accent. Someday they’ll ask “Where's the British guy?” but so far not yet.””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: british, french, Fast Food, accents
“They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I’m sorry, they have my family.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Verizon, sprint, Cell Phones
“Getting asked to be Trump’s running mate is the new jury duty.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, Election, jury duty
“To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Nature, Hiking, Butterflies
“Can someone please pass the ketchup? (one of my 21 million followers HAS to be in this diner)”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: food, eating, Hunger
“If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Taylor Swift, calvin harris, Attractive, breakup
“Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Animals, vet, dog