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Conan O'Brien Quotes

Total quotes: 70
“Your perceived failure can become the catalyst for profound reinvention.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
Tagged: The Obstacle Is The Way, Failure, From Failure to Success, Inspirational
“Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats! 

Mr. Burns: I like to put my feet up.”
— Mr. Burns, The Simpsons, Season 5: Homer Goes to College
Tagged: Space, Selfish, feet up
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”
— Conan O'Brien, 50+ Painfully Funny One Liners
Tagged: joke
“One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“I was funny. But I was not the class clown. The class clown is the guy that gets up and sets the clock ahead twenty minutes. That guy always dies in a motel shootout.”
— Conan O'Brien, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: class clown
“To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Nature, Hiking, Butterflies
“Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 4: Marge vs. the Monorail
Tagged: Donuts, Obsession, Tasty
“I just saw a Dumbledore, a Gandalf, and a Doctor Strange make a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos disappear!”
— Conan O'Brien
Tagged: Magic, humor, doritos, Snacking
“I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Birds, Nature, Morning
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Singing, bathrooms, Laws
“I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful, but that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me; and it should not define you.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get to one!”
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 4: New Kid on the Block
Tagged: Woman, Beer, smell good, mother, Metaphor Examples
“You see, I think people give me credit for having this intelligence that...I think I have a lot of emotional intelligence. There are certain things I know a lot about, and there are areas where I am staggeringly stupid.”
— Conan O'Brien, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: Emotinal Intelligence, Stupid
“Yes. The number-one sign that someone’s going through a rough time usually is that they grow a beard.”
— Conan O'Brien, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: beard, Depression
“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realised.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“We make crazy money and we’re getting to live out our dreams. And then you’re complaining, and anyone listening is rightfully thinking, 'You’re a jackass.'”
— Conan O'Brien, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: Fame, Contentment
“Whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that’s okay.”
— Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address
“When I'm on the freeway I can't help but honk at the a-holes who don't like my violent, unpredictable driving.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Driving, violent, Unpredictable
“The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes?”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Time, Days, Funny
“If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: tennis, Sports, athletic
“At drive-thrus, I order in a British accent but pay in a French accent. Someday they’ll ask “Where's the British guy?” but so far not yet.””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: british, french, Fast Food, accents
“They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I’m sorry, they have my family.'”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Verizon, sprint, Cell Phones
“If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?””
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Taylor Swift, calvin harris, Attractive, breakup
“So if I don't get caught it's a 'free sample' and if I do get caught it's 'stolen property, please come with me, sir?' Real double standard.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Free, stolen, double standard
“Open Tweet to Justin Bieber: You’re starting to make us teen heartthrobs look bad.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Justin Bieber, teenager, heartthrob
“Every time I see a newborn, I'm reminded of how rare and beautiful it is to look into the face of someone who's never heard of Trump.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Donald Trump, babies, newborn, Election
“Right before I die, if my life flashes before my eyes, I hope there aren't 30 second ads before each section.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Death, advertisements, Dying
“I always keep a giant-brimmed ladies’ hat ready, in case I ever need to sit in back of an auction house and mysteriously place a winning bid.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: auction, Mystery, Money
“Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing my body to the athletes on World Series of Poker.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Body Image, athletes, muscles, poker
“Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Television, Death, sopranos
“If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: hats, Summer, clothing
“My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Children, Parenting, Siblings
“I’m waiting for them to invent a pleasure robot that’s so lifelike, it won’t have sex with me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sex Tweets, Robots, realistic
“If you scream in fake German for 30 seconds, at least one of those made up words will be the name of a German pastry.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: German, Language, food
“Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sex, Children, History, broadway
“I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: baseball, Birds, Sports
“Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Dreams, Evil, Aliens
“Can someone please pass the ketchup? (one of my 21 million followers HAS to be in this diner)”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: food, eating, Hunger
“Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.”
— Conan O'Brien, via twitter.com
Tagged: Animals, vet, dog
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