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And my son’s telling me, 'Well, we didn’t have school today, technically.' I’m like, 'What… What’s going on?' He said, 'Well there was, like, a school shooting drill.' I never heard of this. You know what this is? They have drills that they make kids do, uh, where they practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school. I’d never heard of that before. I was like, 'What the fuck?' I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn’t want to tell them this shit. 'Son… Son, listen to me. Fuck that drill. If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, I’m just gonna be honest with you. You probably gonna get shot, nigga. I’m just being real. You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, and don’t try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?' Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? All you’re doing is training these kids to worry.

— Himself (Dave Chappelle), Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones

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’ll give you the best Hollywood story that I’ve never been able to say on the air, and I’ll tell it to you first. This is what I do. I’m not the mogul. But this is what I do. Years and years ago, John Gordon, a producer who used to work for me, and Kevin Smith, the guy who created Clerks, say, “Yeah, we just read a script by these two young actors. It’s fantastic. It’s called Good Will Hunting. We want you to read it. They need a million dollars. They just got their script out of Warner Brothers and they need one million dollars, otherwise Warner Brothers is going to make the movie with DiCaprio and Brad Pitt, and it’s going to be directed by Michael Mann.” I read the script. I have a meeting with these guys. Kevin Smith and John Gordon are there. They say, 'What do you think of the script?' I say, 'I think the script is great, but on page sixty the guy who Robin Williams played and the other professor, they give each other a blow job. I don’t understand that blowjob scene.' And Matt and Ben said to me, “We wrote that for studio executives. You were the only one who ever pointed it out. We had meetings with Warner, MGM, Paramount. We just wanted to see who the fuck read this goddamn thing.

— Harvey Weinstein, Howard Stern Comes Again

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Been around the world twice. Talked to everyone once. Seen two whales fuck, been to three world fairs. And I even know a man in Thailand with a wooden cock. I pushed more peeter, more sweeter and more completer than any other peter pusher around. I'm a hard bodied, hairy chested, rootin' tootin' shootin', parachutin' demolition double cap crimpin' frogman. There ain't nothin' I can't do. No sky too high, no sea too rough, no muff too tough. Been a lot of lessons in my life. Never shoot a large caliber man with a small caliber bullet. Drove all kinds of trucks. 2by's, 4by's , 6by's and those big motherfuckers that bend and go 'Shhh Shhh' when you step on the brakes. Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing. Moderation is for cowards. I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, I'm a UDT Navy SEAL diver. I'll wine, dine, intertwine, and sneak out the back door when the refueling is done. So if you're feeling froggy, then you better jump, because this frogman's been there, done that and is going back for more. Cheers boys.

— Petty Officer Second Class Shane Patton (Alexander Ludwig), Lone Survivor

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[May 3, 1986: A Party official and two soldiers arrive at a coal mine in Tula, Russian SFSR]

Mikhail Shchadov: Who's in charge here?

Andrei Glukhov: I'm the crew chief.

Shchadov: I am Shchadov, minister of coal industries.

Glukhov: We know who you are.

Shchadov: How many men do you have?

Glukhov: On this shift, 45 here, a hundred in total.

Shchadov: I need all one hundred men to gather their equipment and get on the trucks.

Glukhov: [smirking] Do you? To where?

Shchadov: That's classified.

Glukhov: Come on, then. Start shooting. You haven't got enough bullets for all of us. Kill as many as you can. Whoever's left, they'll beat the living piss out of each of you.

Soldier: You can't talk to us like that!

Glukhov: Shut the fuck up! This is Tula. This is our mine. We don't leave unless we know why.

Shchadov: You're going to Chernobyl. Do you know what's happened there?

Glukhov: We dig up coal, not bodies.

Shchadov: The reactor fuel is going to sink into the ground and poison the water from Kiev to the Black Sea. All of it. Forever, they say. They want you to stop that from happening.

Glukhov: And how are we supposed to do that?

Shchadov: They didn't tell me, because I don't need to know. Do you need to know, or have you heard enough?

[Glukhov stares at him for a moment, then walks up and pats him on the shoulder with his sooty hands before walking to the trucks. The other miners do likewise, dirtying up his clean suit and his face]

Miner: Now you look like the minister of coal.

— Andrei Glukhov (Alex Ferns), Chernobyl, Miniseries: Open Wide, O Earth

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Wizard: Look at it this way. A man takes a job, you know? And that job—I mean, like that—that becomes what he is. You know, like—you do a thing and that's what you are. Like I've been a cabbie for thirteen years. Ten years at night. I still don't own my own cab. You know why? Because I don't want to. That must be what I want. To be on the night shift drivin' somebody else's cab. You understand? I mean, you become - You get a job, you become the job. One guy lives in Brooklyn. One guy lives in Sutton Place. You got a lawyer. Another guy's a doctor. Another guy dies. Another guy gets well. People are born, y'know? I envy you, your youth. Go on, get laid, get drunk. Do anything. You got no choice, anyway. I mean, we're all fucked. More or less, ya know.

Travis Bickle: I don't know. That's about the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Wizard: It's not Bertrand Russell. But what do you want? I'm a cabbie. What do I know? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.

Travis Bickle: Maybe I don't know, either.

— Wizard (Peter Boyle), Taxi Driver

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Tom Ripley: First of all I know there's something. That evening when we played chess for instance it was obvious.

Dickie Greenleaf: What evening?

Tom Ripley: Oh sure, no, no, it's too dangerous for you to take on. Oh, no, no, we're brothers. Hey. And then you do this sordid thing with Marge. Fucking her on the boat while we all have to listen. Which was excruciating, by the way! And you follow your cock around and now you're getting married! I'm bewildered, forgive me. You're lying to Marge and then you're getting married to her. You're knocking up Silvana. You're ruining everybody. You wanna play the sax, you wanna play the drums. What is it, Dickie? What do you actually play?

Dickie Greenleaf: Who are you? Huh? Some third class mooch? Who are you? Who are you to say anything to me? I really, really don't want to be on this boat with you right now. I can't move without you moving. Gives me the creeps.
[enraged by his on-the-fly suspicions]

Dickie Greenleaf: You give me the creeps!

— Tom Ripley (Matt Damon), The Talented Mr. Ripley

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Jimmy Conway: What's the fuckin' matter with you? What—what is the fuckin' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Tommy, Tommy, I'm kidding with you. What the fuck are you doin'? What are you, a fuckin' sick maniac?

Tommy DeVito: How am I meant to know you're kidding? What you mean, you're kidding? You breaking my fuckin' balls?

Jimmy Conway: I'm fuckin' kidding with you! You fuckin' shoot the guy?

Henry Hill: He's dead.

Tommy DeVito: Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Fuckin' rat anyway. His family's all rats. He'll grow up to be a rat.

Jimmy Conway: You stupid bastard, I can't fuckin' believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the fuckin' thing now. You're gonna dig the hole. You're gonna do it. I got no fuckin' lime. You're gonna do it.

Tommy DeVito: Who the fuck cares? I'll dig the fuckin' hole. I don't give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I'll fuckin' dig a hole. Where are the shovels?

— Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci), GoodFellas

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Tommy DeVito: No more shines, Billy.

Billy Batts: What?

Tommy DeVito: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn't hear about it, you've been away a long time. They didn't go up there and tell you. I don't shine shoes anymore.

Billy Batts: Relax, will ya? Ya flip right out, what's got into you? I'm breaking your balls a little bit, that's all. I'm only kidding with ya...

Tommy DeVito: Sometimes you don't sound like you're kidding, you know, there's a lotta people around...

Billy Batts: I'm only kidding with you, we're having a party, I just came home and I haven't seen you in a long time and I'm breaking your balls, and you're getting fucking fresh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

Tommy DeVito: I'm sorry, too. It's OK. No problem.

Billy Batts: OK, salud. [takes a drink] Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.

Tommy DeVito: Motherfuckin' mutt! You, you fucking piece of shit!

Billy Batts: [taunting] Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on!

Tommy DeVito: Motherfucking... He bought his fucking button! That fake old tough guy! You bought your fucking button! You motherfuck...Fuck! Keep that motherfucker here, keep him here!
[leaves]

— Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci), GoodFellas

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Henry Hill: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.

Tommy DeVito: What do you mean I'm funny?

Henry Hill: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy. [laughs]

Tommy DeVito: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?

Henry Hill: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's...funny, you know the way you tell the story and everything.

Tommy DeVito: [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What's funny about it?

Anthony Stabile: Tommy no, you got it all wrong.

Tommy DeVito: Oh, oh, Anthony. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?

Henry Hill: Jus...

Tommy DeVito: What?

Henry Hill: Just... ya know... you're funny.

Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked-up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Henry Hill: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?

Tommy DeVito: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

Henry Hill: [long pause] Get the fuck out of here, Tommy!

Tommy DeVito: [everyone laughs] Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.

— Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci), GoodFellas

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Firewater: The melody came to me one night when I was getting super, super, SUPER baked. Like fuck-a-guy, baked. You know what I'm saying? [Frank shakes his head no] Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on, I mean, you know... In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little...fucky. [flashbacks]  The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views, fucking with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish... Now, every morning when I hear that song, I'm like, 'What the fuck are you guys saying, hey? Wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?' [back to present] Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.

— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice) (Bill Hader), Sausage Party

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Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatic music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-eyed shit! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you fuckers like?! You like to beep and beep and beep and beep and beep and beep!

Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a fuck?

— Eric Cartman (Trey Parker), South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe

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Listen to me, you fuck. You did a lot of shit here. You played a lot of fucking cards. And you made a lot of fucking people do a lot of fucking things they didn't want to do. This is true. We both know this is true. You, McNulty, are a gaping asshole. We both know this. Fuck if everybody in CID doesn't know it. But fuck if I'm gonna stand here and say you did a single fucking thing to get a police shot. You did not do this, you fucking hear me? This is not on you. [McNulty nods] No it isn't, asshole. Believe it or not, everything isn't about you. And the motherfucker saying this, he hates your guts, McNulty. So you know if it was on you, I'd be the son of a bitch to say so. Shit went bad. She took two for the company. That's the only lesson here.

— Major William A. Rawls (John Doman), The Wire, Season 1: The Hunt

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