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“Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, lottery
“If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Nude Scene
“Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.

John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!

Max Goldman: She was the best.

John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!

Max Goldman: Yeah!

John Gustafson: Yeah.

Max Goldman: What?

John Gustafson: What?

Max Goldman: Huh?

John Gustafson: Huh?

John Gustafson: What...?

[Both forget what they were arguing about]”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: arguments, Alzheimer's
“Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.

John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.

Max Goldman: You bet.

John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?

Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!

John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Mississippi River, Moron
“Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.

John Gustafson: Hello, moron.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, Moron, insults
“Jacob: You're a child.

Max Goldman: Don't tell me, Jacob; it isn't me.

Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.

Max Goldman: ’38.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Fighting, Nitpicking
“When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: ulcers, Farting, razor blades
“Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: insults
“There's a little witch in all of us.”
— Aunt Jet Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: witch
“[making margaritas]

Aunt Frances Owens: Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog.

Aunt Jet Owens: Adder's fork and blindworm's sting...

Aunt Frances Owens: Barbados lime is just the thing.

Aunt Jet Owens: Cragged salt like a sailor's stubble!

Aunt Frances Owens: Flip the switch and let the cauldron bubble.”
— Aunt Jet Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: witch, barbados lime, eye of newt
“Young Gillian Owens: [about the Owens’ ancestor, Maria] Is that why they wanted to hang her? Because she was a witch?

Aunt Frances Owens: The fact that she was a bit of a heartbreaker didn't help. Nor did it help that most of her lovers had wives on the hanging committee.”
— Young Gillian Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: witch, heartbreaker
“Young Sally Owens: He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.

Young Gillian Owens: What are you doing?

Young Sally Owens: Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He'll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he'll have one green eye and one blue.

Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love.

Young Sally Owens: That's the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn't exist. And if he doesn't exist, I'll never die of a broken heart.”
— Young Gillian Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: pony, whistilng, Broken Heart
“[all drunk]

Gillian Owens: You Southern shrew!

Aunt Jet Owens: Ingrate!”
— Gillian Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Southern, shrew, ingrate
“Gillian Owens: You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast?

Antonia Owens: She does it all the time.

Gillian Owens: She does? Well, that's what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.”
— Gillian Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Love, dizzy
“Hang onto your husbands, girls.”
— Gillian Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: husbands, Girls, how-to
“Curses only have power when you believe them. And I don't. [walks away, pauses then turns to Sally] You know what? I wished, for you too.”
— Gary Hallet, Practical Magic
Tagged: Curses, wishes
“Gary Hallet: So what kind of, uh... craft do you do?

Sally Owens: I manufacture bath oils and soaps...hand lotions...shampoo. And the aunts, um..they like to meddle in people's love lives.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Witches, bath oils, soaps, hand lotions, Shampoo
“Aunt Frances Owens: Goody two-shoes!

Sally Owens: WITCH!”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: goody two-shoes, witch
“Gary Hallet: What was that, Sally? That was him, wasn't it? Is he gone or what?

Sally Owens: Yes, you killed his spirit, but I know I took his life. I'll tell you all need to know. I'll tell you how I did it, where I buried him, what I did it with. I'll tell you how...

Gary Hallet: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on just a goddamn second, all right? One step at a time. I took on oath to uphold the law. I came here to bring in the bad guy because generally that's what I do. You asked me how many times I read your letter. I must've read it about a thousand times. I know now, it was your letter anything else that brought me here. It was you. And I'm all mixed-up about that.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: oath, uphold the law, mixed-up
“Sally Owens: [cuts her hand] My blood.

[cuts Gillian's hand]

Sally Owens: Your blood.

[smacks their hands together]

Sally Owens: Our blood.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Blood, blood ritual, blood sisters
“[after they make a binder ring snap on a mother's finger]

Sally Owens: [to Gillian] Don't do that.

Gillian Owens: It wasn't me, it was you!

[Both giggling]

Mother: Oh I am so please to report this, and the top of the phone tree list is...wait a minute, it's Sally Owens. [confused; flips through phone tree and finds Sally's name at the top of each list]

Gillian Owens: Wooo! Go, Sal!

[aside to Sally]

Gillian Owens: Now that was me.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
“Dear Gillian, Today is our third anniversary and all I have to show for it are two beautiful little girls and a husband I just can't stop kissing. I don't even mind the beard. But I wish you could see us. No more stones being thrown, no taunts cried out. Everything is just so blissfully normal. Life is perfect.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Taunts, normal, Kissing, Little Girls
“Gary Hallet: Did you or your sister kill James Angelov?

Sally Owens: Yeah, a couple of times.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Murder, overkill
“Since when is being a slut a crime in this family?”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Slut, Family, Crime
“Can love really travel back in time and heal a broken heart? Was it our joined hands that finally lifted Maria's curse? I'd like to think so. But there are some things I know for certain: Always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Love, time travel, rosemary, Lavender
“Sally Owens: And I don't want them dancing naked under the full moon!

Aunt Jet Owens: No, of course. The nudity is entirely optional. As you well remember.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: dancing naked, full moon, Nudity
“I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Dream, Love
“Sally Owens: All I want is a normal life.

Aunt Frances Owens: My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage!

Sally Owens: Well, it's what I want.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: normal, Virtue, Courage
“[Sally's letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.”
— Sally Owens, Practical Magic
Tagged: Crickets, Love, Moon, Emptiness
“What are you looking at? You're laborers; you should be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.”
— Prof. Jerry Hathaway, Real Genius
Tagged: laborers, Education

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.