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Quotes tagged “Standup Comedy”

“When you’re fifteen and you’re trying to figure out a way to perform, a magic act is perfect. Because you buy a trick and then it’s got patter written in the instructions. You know, 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...' You memorize that and you’ve got a show.”
— Steve Martin, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: Magic, Performing, Standup Comedy
“I only went up maybe twice after smoking a joint. And I slaughtered. I mean, I slaughtered the house. I annihilated everybody. At one point [Sam] Kinison was at the back of the room, and just for fun he was heckling me. And I was killing him. I was killing everybody. And I walked off stage and they said, 'Wow. What the hell was that?' And I said, 'I’m high.'”
— Jim Carrey, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: Marijuana, Standup Comedy, Sam Kinison
“My dog thought I was a singer… because dogs don’t understand standup comedy.”
— Margaret Cho, Margaret Cho on Comedy, Bisexuality, and The Slow-Carb Diet
Tagged: Tim Podcast, dog, Singer, Standup Comedy
“[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]
Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater.

Lucy Ricardo: What?

Ricky Ricardo: Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days.

Lucy Ricardo: What did you do, bite him?
[Audience laughs]”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Benefit
Tagged: Standup Comedy
“[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]
Ricky Ricardo: I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha.
[Audience is silent]

Lucy Ricardo: How many wheels does it have?
[Audience laughs]”
— Ricky Ricardo, I Love Lucy, Season 1: The Benefit
Tagged: dumb, Misunderstanding, Standup Comedy
“The dreams of my life were to go on The Tonight Show and to have a small part in a movie. When I was 28, I had been on The Tonight Show a bunch of times, and Risa Bramon, who was casting Desperately Seeking Susan—I didn't know her, but she liked my stand-up—brought me to the attention of the director. I was overwhelmed, because my fantasies both came true.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: the tonight show, Johnny Carson, Desperately Seeking Susan, Risa Bramon, Standup Comedy
“You're on a jet, you're five miles in the air, you're going 500 miles an hour, and you ask someone to bring you another Coke. That is as weird to me as any joke I said last night. I think that's why people identify with me, because there are a billion pieces of information, and there's so much chaos. So much of civilization is just trying to organize this information. Everyone's trying to have rules so that it's not complete madness-chaos. But as organized as it can be, it's only organized to an extent. Shit is spilling over the edges. I'm just pointing out the stuff they're trying to make rules about, and the stuff that's spilling over. As I'm saying this to you, it sounds so deep, but all I'm noticing is that things are funny. You can just move something and look at it from a slightly different angle, and it's funny.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Chaos, civilization, Coke, Shit, Rules
“Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. I don't even really write the jokes, they just come into my head, and a joke can't come into my head on stage, because I'm too busy.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Improv, Jokes, writer
“Over the years, I've learned that the best way to react [to hecklers] is to ignore them. I don't need to be in a two-man band with a stranger when I'm doing what I do.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Hecklers, Standup Comedy
“It’s like, I love making shit up and I love performing.…The mind is interesting to me. The mind is fun. I have fun hanging out with myself. I’m my own friend, and we have serious things, of course, but we also…I’ll think of things and laugh out loud by myself.”
— Steven Wright, Q&A: Steven Wright
Tagged: Performing, Standup Comedy, Making Shit Up, The Mind, LOL
“I just started at an open mic night in the 1970s and I’m still going, still doing now what I started to do then. I know other people might look up to me. But really, I’m just me after a bit of time has gone by.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright, master of meh: 'This is just how I talk. It accidentally went well with the jokes'
Tagged: Open Mic, Standup Comedy, Standup Comics, 1970s
“Whew, shit, you patch-eyed mother fucker. You broke-leg son of a bitch.”
— Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac- I Ain't Scared Of You Mutha****!
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Comedians, Deceased Comedians, Def Comedy Jam
“She said Mac, can I ask you a question, "Does pussy taste like pumpkin pie?" Made me mad as hell, I said "Don't ask me no damn question like that. I never had no pumpkin pie."”
— Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac- I Ain't Scared Of You Mutha****!
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Comedians, Deceased Comedians, Def Comedy Jam
“I love sex, I love it. I can't do shit no more. And I'm blessed. I'm big bone-ded. I'm heavy structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room get dark.”
— Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac- I Ain't Scared Of You Mutha****!
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Comedians, Deceased Comedians, Def Comedy Jam

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This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

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