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Steven Wright Quotes

Total quotes: 27
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
— Steven Wright, Smart Mouth Comments
Tagged: Cynical&Funny, Dumb People, Smart Mouth
“You never know what you have until it’s gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright, master of meh: 'This is just how I talk. It accidentally went well with the jokes'
Tagged: One-Liners, Zen, Absurd, Surreal, Deadpan, Standup Comics
“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”
— Steven Wright, A Steven Wright Special(1985)
Tagged: Walking Distance, Absurd
“Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Parentheses, Surreal, bizarre, Absurd
“My dream was so strong that I made myself do what horrified me. I was a nervous wreck.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Dreams, Nervous Wreck
“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”
— Steven Wright
Tagged: Seashells, Seashore, Absurd, Surreal
“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Museums, Surreal, Absurd
“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Insomnia, Sleeping, Absurd, Misunderstanding
“I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Baby Monitors, Subconscious, Surreal, Absurd
“I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.”
— Steven Wright
Tagged: Zen, Koan, If a Tree Falls
“If Salvador Dali was hired to design a city, that’s what Las Vegas looks like to me.”
— Steven Wright, Q&A: Steven Wright
Tagged: Salvador Dali, Dada, Surrealism, Las Vegas, bizarre
“I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Strandup Comedy, Standup Comics, The End
“Over the years, I've learned that the best way to react [to hecklers] is to ignore them. I don't need to be in a two-man band with a stranger when I'm doing what I do.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Hecklers, Standup Comedy
“I tell people I'm just a secretary for my own mind: Something comes into my head, and I write it down.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Writing, Secretary
“I'm a conservative kind of guy, so I do have these rules—I won't talk about this, this, and this. And I don't like talking about topical things. I like talking about little things, like lint.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Conservative, Rules, Topical, Lint
“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.”
— Steven Wright
Tagged: Surreal, Absurd, Hardware Store, Batteries
“I wish the first word I ever said was the word ‘quote,’ so right before I die I could say ‘unquote.’”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Quote Unquote, wishes
“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Metal in Microwave Ovens, Oops, Learning The Hard Way
“I’m so fortunate, because I just love making shit up.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright, master of meh: 'This is just how I talk. It accidentally went well with the jokes'
Tagged: comedy, Writing, Making Shit Up
“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
— Steven Wright
Tagged: Curiosity, Cliches, Absurd
“I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Tech Overload
“It was like getting in a cab by accident with Jesus.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Cab, accident, jesus
“Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. I don't even really write the jokes, they just come into my head, and a joke can't come into my head on stage, because I'm too busy.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Improv, Jokes, writer
“I'm staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Luddite, Old Fashioned, Wake Up Call
“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”
— Steven Wright,
Tagged: Absurd, Surreal, Powdered Water
“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, ‘Wow.’ And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Plagiarism, Wrongly Attributed, Writing, Notebooks
“You're on a jet, you're five miles in the air, you're going 500 miles an hour, and you ask someone to bring you another Coke. That is as weird to me as any joke I said last night. I think that's why people identify with me, because there are a billion pieces of information, and there's so much chaos. So much of civilization is just trying to organize this information. Everyone's trying to have rules so that it's not complete madness-chaos. But as organized as it can be, it's only organized to an extent. Shit is spilling over the edges. I'm just pointing out the stuff they're trying to make rules about, and the stuff that's spilling over. As I'm saying this to you, it sounds so deep, but all I'm noticing is that things are funny. You can just move something and look at it from a slightly different angle, and it's funny.”
— Steven Wright, Steven Wright
Tagged: Standup Comedy, Chaos, civilization, Coke, Shit, Rules
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