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Evan Goldberg Quotes

Total quotes: 30
“Promises matter. It’s the currency of faith.”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: promises, currency, Faith, Matter
“Once you see that shit, it'll fuck you up for life. Good luck! Have fun!”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: fuck you up
“They're ain't gods! They're monsters, horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice...FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.”
— Honey Mustard (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: gods, monsters, Fuck You, Oblivion
“Douche: Yo! Oh fuck yeah, dude! Somebody call a doctor, ‘cause honestly, this beat is sick!

Beet: Actually, I feel great, real healthy.

Douche: Not you.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: call a doctor
“Two rules, man: Stay away from my fuckin' Percocets and do you have any fucking Percocets, man?”
— Marco Belchoir, Goon
Tagged: Percocets, painkillers, Addiction, Fucking, Hockey Movies
“'A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.' Proverbs 16:9”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Man, heart, Lord, Directs, Steps, Bible, God
“Perhaps I can be of some assistance. [Darren shoots Gum…regenerates] Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Matter, Regeneration, Judgment
“[about to be sliced in half] No! Please-a, no! I've got a famiglia!”
— Italian Tomato / Lettuce (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Family
“ [while having sex with his newfound mate] I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my fuckin' load!”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: Sex, blowing a load
“Douche: What part of 'I want the sausage and the bun dead, if you see them, come and get me. And if I found out that you didn't come and get me, or if you couldn't find them, I'll fucking kill your ass.' did you not understand, Tequila?

Tequila: Uh, it's a pretty confusing sentence, to be honest.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Threats, Kill, Syntax
“Druggie: You're all alive and looking at me with your...with your gloves and your...your little shoes, and your arms and your legs...

Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me! Look at me! I ain't got no legs, you fuck! You ate my goddamn legs!”
— Druggie (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Pizza
“Sore winner. You can't be a sore winner.”
— Seth Rogen, This Is the End
Tagged: Sore Winner, Lesson
“Whenever you feel shitty, that's cause of gluten.”
— Seth Rogen, This Is the End
Tagged: Gluten , Sick, Unwell
“How hurt you want him? How far do I go? One punch? Two?”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: hurt, far, One Punch, Two Punch, Violence
“Douche: Come at me, bro.

Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?

Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then guess who's coming at you?...ME! [Douche prepares to attack Frank]”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: come at me
“I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.”
— Evan, Superbad
Tagged: Date, Give Up
“You know what foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!”
— Seth, Superbad
Tagged: food, shape, Delicious
“It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart. ”
— Jonah Hill, This Is the End
Tagged: Sweetheart, Darling
“If you’re lucky enough to fall in love, you have to be even stronger. Fight like a lion to keep it alive. So that on the day your love is weak enough or selfish enough or frickin’ stupid enough to run away, you have the strength to track him down and eat him alive.”
— Tulip O'Hare, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Lucky, Fall in love, Simile Examples, Run Away, strength
“ [explaining why the druggie can no longer see them alive] The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension….The effects of the opiate have dissipated. Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him….We are totally fucked.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Opiates, fourth dimension
“It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.”
— Pop Bottle, Sausage Party
“Weed is tight. Weed is tight. That's awesome.”
— Jonah Hill, This Is the End
Tagged: cool, tight
“I was resistant to change, I should have grown with you.”
— Jay Baruchel, This Is the End
Tagged: Change, Growth, Friendship
“Mr. Grits: We're the Non-Perishables, motherfucker.

Twink: We never expired.

Firewater: We are...Immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.

Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.

Firewater: Eh, Mr. Grits. Whatever.

Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?”
— Grits (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Immortal, crackers
“Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right?

Juice Box: Dying...so cold...

Douche: [notices that the juice box is leaking, he gets an idea] Uh-oh. Light bulb.

Light Bulb: Yes?

Douche: No. Not fucking you, dummy.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Dummy, Fuck
“Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. [flashbacks] Ohhhh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So, we the Non-Perishables created a story, the story of the Great Beyond. A place where the Gods care for you, and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Living Nightmare, nonperishable
“Firewater: So, you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I'll slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.

Honey Mustard: Oh my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?

Ketchup: What? What are you looking at? [sees Firewater has vanished] He's gone.

Honey Mustard: Where the fuck did he go? I'm so fucked up, I'm so fucked up! [Ketchup tries to touch Honey Mustard] Jesus! Get the fuck off me! Nobody fucking touch me!”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: don't touch me, Threats
“Carl: Look at these big ol' buns! [wolf whistles getting their attention] Ye-ah, you know it, baby! Work those buns! All of you, all day, ur-day, lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat!

Brenda: Yeah. Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns are gonna line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that happening: 'Oh! Oh! Is he in there yet? Oh, I can't feel him! I don't think he's in there! Oh, wait he is!' It's so sad! I bet you jackrabbit for a quick fifteen seconds. [jackrabbits mockingly]

Brenda: And then you slump over. [Carl glares at her…laughs] I mean, honestly, guys! Who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them? [Another bun raises their hand] Roberta, put your fucking hand down! You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.”
— Carl (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: buns, wolf whistles, jackrabbit, Premature Ejaculation, Emasculation
“Frank: If what you're saying is true, I got to tell everyone!

Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.

Frank: I have to try...Everyone will die otherwise.

Firewater: Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?

Frank: Wait. Do you guys have any proof of this?”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: truth telling
“Firewater: The melody came to me one night when I was getting super, super, SUPER baked. Like fuck-a-guy, baked. You know what I'm saying? [Frank shakes his head no] Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on, I mean, you know... In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little...fucky. [flashbacks]  The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views, fucking with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish... Now, every morning when I hear that song, I'm like, 'What the fuck are you guys saying, hey? Wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?' [back to present] Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Distraction, devoured, Fuck, Extermination, juiceicide, Baked
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