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Stephen Colbert Quotes

Total quotes: 40
“And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.”
— Stephen Colbert, Stephen Colbert -- The Real Stephen Colbert -- Will Be Perfect at This
Tagged: selfishness, Loner
“Another day, another dollar. I've really got to renegotiate my contract.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Money, Work, paycheck
“Ugh, I’ve been waiting at this DMV forever. What do I have to do, come back when they’re open?! ”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: DMV, Cars, Patience
“If Twitter’s stock price goes any lower, I’m concerned that none of us are ever going to get paid for this.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Twitter, Money, finances
“So Rolling Stone publishes Sean Penn's El Chapo interview, but they won't even CONSIDER my D.B. Cooper erotic fan fiction?!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: rolling stone, el chapo, sean penn, fan fiction
“Another rough day on Wall Street. Good thing all of my savings are tied up in Greek municipal bonds!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Wall Street, Money, banks
“Stephen’s Picks! Today’s Stephen Pick: Celery sticks with peanut butter. A delicious and healthy lunchtime treat.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: food, healthy, snacks
“Do you all prefer multi-colored lights or the plain, white ones? Hurry, because it’s cold up here on this ladder.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Christmas, Holidays, decorations
“"Siri, put Apple CEO Tim Cook on my calendar for Tuesday, Sept. 15. Oh, and come up with some questions to ask him."”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Apple, siri, tim cook
“Hey Neil deGrasse Tyson, I’m sick of you hitting Pluto below the Kuiper Belt. Come here and pick on someone in your own orbit!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: neil degrasse tyson, planets, pluto, celebs
“BP is paying $18.7 bil for their Deepwater Horizon oil spill—that comes out to roughly $18.7 bil for every planet they're destroying.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: oil spill, Earth, Destruction
“Wow, Donald Trump really looked presidential in Mexico. Might want to stay there!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Election, Donald Trump, President, Mexico
“Question for all you sommeliers out there: What vintage would you recommend pairing with this half-eaten Snickers I found in my desk?”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Wine, chocolate, food
“So, if @SpeedoUSA dropped Ryan Lochte, does that mean they need a new spokesperson? I already waxed my bikini zone.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Swimming, ryan lochte, bathing suit
“I love catching Pokémon on this new app! Much better than the stuff you can catch from Tinder.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Tinder, dating apps, Pokemon Go, Pokemon
“Anyone see Game of Thrones last night? So crazy when my HBO cut out and I had to watch Madam Secretary instead—did NOT see that coming!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: HBO, Game of Thrones, madam secretary
“Man, who'd have thought it'd be June already? Anyone with a calendar, I guess. I've got to start thinking these tweets through better.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: June, calendar, Time
“Such a great weekend -- went out to the beach and binge-watched the sunset.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sunset, Nature, binge watched
“Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them.”
— Stephen Colbert
Tagged: Women, spooning, H4D-15
“I got my iPhone wet! I don’t have a bag of rice to drop it in, but a bag of sashimi works, too, right?”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Phone, food, Technology
“A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Death, Earth, asteroid
“In Rio, the only Olympic event that really matters is your body’s ability to fight off an infection.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: olympics, infections, rio
“So annoying that Javier Muñoz gets to be Hamilton just because he "knows the lyrics" and "isn't banned from the Richard Rodgers Theater."”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: hamilton, broadway, Musical
“Tune into #LSSC tonight at 11:33! It starts at 11:35, but get to your TV early for a better seat.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Television, show, early bird
“The new Late Show will have so many surprises for you! For me, too. I tend to nod off during meetings.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Surprises, Meetings, Naps
“I want this tweet to go viral. So imagine a kitten getting hit in the nuts with a leaked photo of the iPhone 7.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Viral, kitten, iPhone
“They say if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person. Still, The Rock hasn't even started cleaning out my basement.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: the rock, celebs, Busy
“This is the White House, not an abandoned Walmart, you're allowed to leave.”
— Stephen Colbert, Now We Know Who's Willing To Defend Caging Children
Tagged: Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Press Secretary, Trump Administration
“Picking up a few extra bucks by playing myself at Madame Tussauds. Stop by and say, 'Hi!'”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: madame tussauds, wax figures, Money
“It’s the fifth night of Hanukkah! Only one shopping day until the sixth night of Hanukkah!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: hanukkah, Holidays, Shopping
“Taking my kids to see 'Magic Mike XXL' tonight. Don't know what it's about, but my kids are crazy about magic!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: magic mike, Magic, Movies, Parenting
“My dog used to bring me the newspaper, but now he just forwards me links.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Dogs, Pets, newspaper, Internet
“Were there crazier moments than what’s happening right now, or is this just the ultimate fruit of the crazy tree?”
— Stephen Colbert, For Stephen Colbert, a Very Uncomfortable Election Night
“Michelle's speech was so good, I want to hear it again. When is Melania doing it?”
— Stephen Colbert, DNC Day One: Hillary's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Tagged: Election 2016 Jokes, Melania Trump, michelle obama, Speech
“Republican Senators were served a nice lunch at the White House today, but I'm pretty sure all they swallowed was their pride.”
— Stephen Colbert
Tagged: Politics, republican, White House, Pride
“Something's wrong with my iPad! Should I wash it again?”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: iPad, electronics, Technology
“Words fail me. And they failed him, too.”
— Stephen Colbert
Tagged: Words, Speech, Failure
“In school I learned to pretend to read Moby Dick.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: School, Education, Reading, Books
“If you know what you're doing, every axe can be a battle-axe.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: axe, battle axe, weapon
“The red carpet, of course, is here to hide the rivers of blood that will eventually pour down from the cornucopia, when Donald Trump, flanked by his two eunuchs, takes the stage. By eunuchs I mean Paul Ryan and Reince Priebus, who clearly checked their balls at the door this election.’”
— Stephen Colbert, WATCH: Stephen Colbert’s crashing of the RNC is a sight to behold
Tagged: Blood, Red Carpet, Donald Trump Veep, Eunuchs, Paul Ryan, Reince Priebus, Election 2016 Jokes, Election 2016
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