@dean_arie

These 24 Hilarious Tweets Posted In October Will Make You Laugh Your Butt Off

Twitter was seriously funny this month!
Jacob Geers
October 20, 2016
“'There's plenty of fish in the sea' is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.”
— Dumb Beezie
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

 Him: There's one small piece left.

 Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.”
— WineMummy
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“GOD: it's time I punished the humans again

JESUS: cool. flood or plague?

GOD: [watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..”
— HAUNTigula
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese

42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese”
— dan mentos
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.”
— Sarcasticsapien
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.”
— Just Call Me Kitten
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display”
— beth loves ghosts so
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.The other 7 glasses are just for me.”
— Decant & Pour
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself”
— Autumn Crafton
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Me: I won't make it. Go on without me.

Her: It's a toe cramp

M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood

H: That's sweat

M: Tell my story”
— MehGyver, but Spooky
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids”
— ♛EmMama♛
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND

Me: I didn't do...

Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody

Me: These are my regular clothes”
— Tim
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, 'I read what you said on the internet.'”
— antisocialsocialist
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.”
— Jaxon/Jaxoff
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“[1st day undercover]

Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?

Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot

Me: is ur gang hiring today?”
— GoaT FacE
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“'Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?'

Body: 'I shall make this into nose hair'”
— XS Flea Baggage
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“[being chased round my house by a murderer]

ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on”
— Jon
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.”
— Frank Whitehouse
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“'Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.'

Taxidermy is invented.”
— Ste(ph)en
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?

ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese”
— lil gory lovitz  
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I want my ashes scattered when I die.I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.”
— UnapologeticCanadian
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.”
— Casey Duncan
Tagged: Funny Tweets, Twitter
“I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.”
— Julia Claire
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.”
— Talib Jim
Tagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets