These 24 Hilarious Tweets Posted In October Will Make You Laugh Your Butt Off

These 24 Hilarious Tweets Posted In October Will Make You Laugh Your Butt Off

Twitter was seriously funny this month!

'There's plenty of fish in the sea' is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

— Dumb Beezie, via twitter.com

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Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There's one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.

— WineMummy, via twitter.com

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GOD: it's time I punished the humans again

JESUS: cool. flood or plague?

GOD: [watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..

— HAUNTigula, via twitter.com

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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese

42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

— dan mentos, via twitter.com

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This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

— Sarcasticsapien, via twitter.com

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Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.

— Just Call Me Kitten, via twitter.com

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I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display

— beth loves ghosts and so, via twitter.com

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I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.The other 7 glasses are just for me.

— Decant & Pour, via twitter.com

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People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself

— Autumn Crafton, via twitter.com

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Me: I won't make it. Go on without me.

Her: It's a toe cramp

M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood

H: That's sweat

M: Tell my story

— MehGyver, but Spooky, via twitter.com

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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids

— ♛EmMama♛, via twitter.com

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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND

Me: I didn't do...

Cop:cuffing me Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody

Me: These are my regular clothes

— Tim, via twitter.com

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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, 'I read what you said on the internet.'

— antisocialsocialist, via twitter.com

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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.

— Jaxon/Jaxoff, via twitter.com

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[1st day undercover]

Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?

Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot

Me: is ur gang hiring today?

— GoaT FacE, via twitter.com

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'Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?'

Body: 'I shall make this into nose hair'

— XS Flea Baggage, via twitter.com

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[being chased round my house by a murderer]

ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

— Jon, via twitter.com

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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

— Frank Whitehouse, via twitter.com

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'Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.'

Taxidermy is invented.

— Ste(ph)en, via twitter.com

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NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?

ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

— lil gory lovitz , via twitter.com

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I want my ashes scattered when I die.I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.

— UnapologeticCanadian, via twitter.com

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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

— Casey Duncan, via twitter.com

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I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

— Julia Claire, via twitter.com

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ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

— Talib Jim, via twitter.com

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