The Colbert Report

50 Times Stephen Colbert Said What We All Were Thinking

Still struggling to lose my holiday weight from 2006. 
Holly Riordan
September 8, 2016
“Something's wrong with my iPad! Should I wash it again?”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: iPad, electronics, Technology
“Hey Neil deGrasse Tyson, I’m sick of you hitting Pluto below the Kuiper Belt. Come here and pick on someone in your own orbit!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: neil degrasse tyson, planets, pluto, celebs
“Taking my kids to see 'Magic Mike XXL' tonight. Don't know what it's about, but my kids are crazy about magic!”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: magic mike, Magic, Movies, Parenting
“BP is paying $18.7 bil for their Deepwater Horizon oil spill—that comes out to roughly $18.7 bil for every planet they're destroying.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: oil spill, Earth, Destruction
“U-S-A! S-O-C-C-E-R! C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S O-N T-H-E B-I-G W-I-N! Y-O-U A-R-E A-N I-N-S-P-I-R-A-T-I-O-N T-O U-S A-L-L! #LSSC”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: soccer, Inspirational, Sports
“My dog used to bring me the newspaper, but now he just forwards me links.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Dogs, Pets, newspaper, Internet
“They're putting a woman on the $10 bill. And if they make it your grandma she won't even have to sign your birthday card.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Money, Women, birthday
“The new Late Show will have so many surprises for you! For me, too. I tend to nod off during meetings.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Surprises, Meetings, Naps
“I want this tweet to go viral. So imagine a kitten getting hit in the nuts with a leaked photo of the iPhone 7.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Viral, kitten, iPhone
“I hate it when I get a song stuck in my head -- but it's better than getting it stuck in my liver.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Music, Songs, Funny
“They say if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person. Still, The Rock hasn't even started cleaning out my basement.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: the rock, celebs, Busy
“Fun Fact! Techno music got its name because it is technocally music.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: techno, Music, Songs
“Will I understand "Jurassic World" if I didn't see "Triassic World?"”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: jurassic world
“I can't wait for the next Mad Max movies: Bargaining Max, Depression Max, and finally, Acceptance Max.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: mad max, Anger, Depression, bargaining
“Another day, another dollar. I've really got to renegotiate my contract.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Money, Work, paycheck
“Does anyone know where we can buy one of those "100 Days Without A Workplace Accident" signs? Ours has a lot of dried blood on it.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Blood, Accidents, Work
“Man, who'd have thought it'd be June already? Anyone with a calendar, I guess. I've got to start thinking these tweets through better.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: June, calendar, Time
“If you know what you're doing, every axe can be a battle-axe.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: axe, battle axe, weapon
“If I was on a desert island and could only have one book, I'd choose "Atlas Shrugged." Because that's 1,088 pieces of toilet paper.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Books, Reading, Island
“Such a great weekend -- went out to the beach and binge-watched the sunset.”
— Stephen Colbert, via twitter.com
Tagged: Sunset, Nature, binge watched