Quote Catalog

57 Of The Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes That Will Never Stop Being Hilarious

Imagine if the man had had a twitter. 
Heidi Priebe
July 5, 2016
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: Stand-UP, humor, comedy
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: comedy, humor, Stand-UP
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations: Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor, clever
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“This shirt is 'dry-clean only'... Which means it's dirty.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
"What room are you in?" 
"1401". 
"No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" 
"Just practicing."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 
"Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." 
Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 
"I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." 
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? 
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!"
"Well let's form a club then." 
"Alright, but we need more stipulations."
"Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad."
"Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!" 
"Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy