Quote
Catalog

Quotes tagged ‘Stand-UP’

(67 total)

I've been deleting and reactivating Tinder for six years. You know you've had a dating app for too long when you start noticing people's personal growth. When you're swiping through like 'oh cool, Freddie420 went to grad school after all.'

— Dina Hashem, facebook.com

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important.

— Louis CK, youtube.com

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel 'Something...Tree'," So they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'.…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

— Mitch Hedberg, cc.com

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat o…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said ‘please try again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration fro…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other s…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Di…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity. Got me again!

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

MMWWWMMMMW&KKMWM MMMMMM&K WWW K MWWK KK&MWWWWWWKK &M& &WWMM&&&M&K K&&&MWWWWWWMK&K&MW WWWMM&KK WWWWK WWW& KK&MWWWWWMK &WW& WWWWWWWM&&K KKK&&MWWW&W WWWMM&K MWWWWW KWWWWM & K&&MMMK&& KMW& MWWWWWWM&KK K&&MWMMWMMWMK K&MWWM&K KWWWWWWWWWWWM WWWWWW & KK&&&MM& MKMWWWWMKK KK KKKK&&&MWWMMMWMWM&&MM&&K WWWWWWWWWWWM &M&MK K&M&MMMWW &MMKMMMM& KKKKKK&KKWM& KMKKK & WWWWWWWM& K& KK&K&K K&&MMK KKKK&&MM&K &K K M&K M WWWWW& KKKM& KWWW& &MK&M&K KK&&&&&&MM KK K&&K && MM KKK&&MK &MWW&K K K&KK&&&&& K KK W&K K W KKMM&&K MMWM&&K KKK&M&&MMWM&&MMM&K &WM K W& KM&MMMM &&WW&&&K &MMWWWWWWMMM& WW& KWW K&MWWWWWWWMMMMM&&&& &&MWMWMM& WW WM KMWWWWWMMMM& K & K WWM MWW K&MMMM&K M&K WWWW&K &WWWWK &W &K MW &MMKK&&KK KKK KWWWWMM &WM WWWWMWWMM&&&KK & WWWWWWMMMMK &WWWM WWWWWWWMMMWWWWWWWW&WWW MWWWWWWW&WWWWMMMMWWWWWM WWWWWWWWM&WWMWM&&WWWWW WWWWWWWW&MWM&WWWWWWW MWWWWWWWWW&&MKMWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW&MWWWWWWWMW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW& WWWWWWWW &WWWWWWWWK WWWWWWW WWWWWWWWW KWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWK MWWWWWW WWWWWWWW KWWWWWWW WWWWWWW K&&&&& KKK&K WWWWWWM W&WWWWWK WWWWWWWW W WWWWWWW W KK W M K KM W & K&K M W WW W M WWWWWWW&W WWWWW W W W &W W WWWW W& W KWW& W WK M W&W WW W WWWWWWWW WMW W W WWWWWWW WWWW& WWWWWWW WWWW & & K K K W M & W MK KK KM W WK K KK W K K& WWWWWW WWWK W W W W M W WW W W W WKM MM W MM W W&MM W W W WW WM &W W MW&K W &WWWWW WWW & & K KK & K K K &K K K && WWWWW WWK WWWWK WW WK W MM MWWWW WK W &W W &MM W&WK&&K M W MW W W W W WW&KW&WKW WW WW MKW WW MWWWW W KK M M M& KK K & M M K W K W KM KW MWWWW K

..........: :.. , . , : : :, . ,,,,. . : , :::::::, ,,, . ........ ., : :. , ,. . ,. , ., , ::,::::, :,, ............ : :. . , : ,,. . , :::,,,, ,,, .. ........., :, : : : .:, . .,:::::: .,, .. ..,,.,,:::: . . , . , . . . , ,, :. . ..,: :::, ::, ...,..,:::::: ,, . :: . , . . : . . : . .. .. . : :: ::, ,,,,:,.,::: :,. . : .: : :: . : : ..,.. . ... : ::, ::::::::,,: , : , . .: , , , ::::: : : . , . , .: :, ,. : :: : : : , : ,: :::::::,: :: :. :: : , : ,. , ., :::::::,,:::: : :: . , ,, . ., : , , . . , ,. : ,,: :::,::::: : : , . , :, . . :. . . : ,:::::,:::::::: :,. , . . :. : : .... . . : . ..... , : ,. . . .. ,.. , :, . : : . : ,. : ., :. : :,. .,, , .. . , . ,, , , :: . .. : . , :. ....: , , .. . : :: : . , : : .: : : ,.. , : , ,: , .. . . , , :, . . ,:, , . ., :: : ,: .. . ... : : , , : . . :. ,. . . : , : ..,, . ., : :., : : ., .., . .. ,.., ,. , ,: : . .: : , . .,: :.. :.: . ::. .., . .: ,: . ,. . .: , ,: . , . :,. ., :. : : :........:.,: .. ., : . , .. .. .,: :.: ,. , : .: . :: , ,,., : :, . , : : . . .: : ,: :,. : , .,, . , . , : :: ,,: .: . , ..,, , : , . : : :: : . :,: , ::: , :., . . :. : ::. , :. : :.,.,::. , :,,.. . ,, , .., : : : . :: ,::, : ,: .: :,. ., ..,:, :. ,. : , :. . . , :::. . :, : : : .:: ::,,,,, ., .. : : ,:,,: : ,, , ., , ,:,,. . . . . ,. . . ,:,, .,,, :::,,: :,, ,: . : , : ::::. .. .. : : ::: : ,, , , . , :,: ::, .: :,,,.. . .: , : :: , : ., :: :: :,,:: : : :: . . : , . ::::: , ,::.: :: . .. .: ::::,, .,: .. : : ,, :, :: ::.: , ::,::,, :::,. : ...::. , , :,:, . : ::: . ,, .:,: :::::,: : , : , : : . , : . ,::::.: : ::. :: ::: . : : :: :::, ,,: .: , :::::, : . : :,,.,. ::,, ::::::, : . .:: :::: ::: , ::,.: : : :. , ::,:,: ,. , . . . ,..,: ::.. . :::::,,,: : ::: ... : , :: : ,,,. : ::: . ,: ,: :: .: :::::,: .::::,: : ,: : : . ,,:: :: :: :. : :: , ,,::::,:: ,, :.: ::. ::,::: :::,,: ,, , .::::::

** * ~~~~ ~ ~~ * }* < ~ }} < } ~~~~~~ } } ~ } } * *} }} <} } * * } * } }* < } *< * } * }}< ~ <~ << <* < *~ << ~<}*~ ** } } ~ ~ < * <<~~~~<<<~~~< * < } } ~~ ~ ~~~*~*~ <~ }<} }} < }< * ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ < ~ <} * }<~ *<~~ ~~<<< *~~ < < < } ~* < } ~ ~~~~~ ~ ~~~~< * }} *} <<< ~<~< <~~ ~~~~~<<<<~ ~<~* <* ~ } }} < * < < ~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~ * * ~ } < } ~*} ~<<<~ <~< <~~<<<<***<<~ << * * } * ~*~ ~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~ ** <*} *<**~ *<* ***************~* ~ } * ~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~~~~ } ~ }< < ~} }* }<***< **< ****}}}}}*****}* * }} < } }~ *~* } ~ < *< <} ~ * } ~}} }}*}}}* *<< ***}}}}}}}****** ~< }* }< <~*}< < ~<~ ~< } }< ~*}* } *}}}* }** }}}}}}}}}***}**}*< *} }*< << * }~~<~ } ~<**}~ <*< ~~ * *< } * *~}* *** }}}}}}}}}}}}}< <} <~~~ }}*} *}* * * }*<<<< * *<~<* }} }}}}} < } < * } *}}<* *** } }}}}} } }}}} ** ~ ~ ~ }} ****< < <~< }**}*}}} } *} ~* } *** ~< }} ~*} **}** *** }}} } }}~ ~ ~} *~ ~***<* ~~< }} * * *}* ~ ~ * *}} }}} }} ~ * } ~< < < ~}}}}*~ ***** <<* }~ ~} }<< ~<< < ~} * ~}} }} *}}~**}}} <~ }** * <* **** *~* }} * }}} < }*}< ~* ~ } }* }} }* } * ~< * ~ } } }**} ~*~* *}}*}}}}}}<< < *< * * }} }} } }*}*<*<< }<~ ** < ~<} } <}} ~*** <*}<}}}*}**~ *** ~ * ~ }} *}}*}*<}*~ *~ * < * ~~<* *}<* *~~* *}****<< } }~* ~~* ~ *}} <*}<}*<<* < }* }} ~~ } } *<~*<**<*~<< <~ ~ <<} <}< < ~ ~ }}~ }* <** ****< *~ <*<<}*< } }}}* *~ < <<<*<<< ~ *}*} <~~} *< < ~~ *< } ~<* <****< < *~ ~~~~ } ~<~ < * < < }* }}}* * * ~<**<<~ ~ ***}*< * < ~ ~ * }}*} ~~< ~<<<~~ <~ } }~ } <* } ~ ***<< < ~ * ~~<<~~ ~<}*< < }<~}< ~~ ~ <}} < **~* ~<< ~~<<*~~ << << < * * ~~* ~ } ~ ~ < ~~~~ ~ ~ }}} } * ~~ < *} < * <<~~* ~~<< ~< < } <} } ~* } } * * } < ~<* ~~ ~~~ <<* *< ~ <**} ~ ~<}}< *} * <*~* << ~ ~~ ~ < ~ *<**** ~ *< * * ~ * <~ ~ ~<~ < <*** * ~ ~ ~ ~ <* ~ ~ ~ < } } < }* * < <~~} ~ ~<<~ ~ ~ ~ ~<*****}* ~ ~ <} } <* ~ ~**} ~ * <} < } } } < } **} ~ ~<~~ ~~<< < < }***}< ~~~ ~ ~ ~}<} ** <*}}} }*} * * } } }< * * }}*< < ~<<< ~ ~~~ ~ ~ }* *}} ~ ~~ ~~ ~ << **~ ** ~~~***< ~ ~*** ** < <~~<<<< ~~~~ ~*}* ** ~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~ ~~< ~ ~<<~<<~ ~ < ~ <<}} * }}<} } < } } ~ * ~ * **< *} <~ <~<~<<<~~~ ~~~~ *}**}} } ~ ~~ ~~~~~~~< <<~~ ~~ <*} ~ ~ ~ ~ < ~ ~ < } < < } ~~<<* <<~ <~~~~~<~~~ ~~~ ~~ * }*} * ~~~~~ ~< ~<<*} ~ ~~ ~ < ~~ < } ~* < * < < ~ ~~~~~~<~~ ~~~~~ ~ * }* ~ ~~~~~~~~ <<~~~<<*~~ ~~~

j V UU Uo jo V U oV V jV U VU V o UV Uo j U U j jVU U UU V jVUU UV Vj UV Vj j U Uj oVU UV VU o j VU joVUUUU U UVV U o joVVU Vj oo jj Uj joVU UUVj j jojV jVVUUUU UVUU UUo UVVU Uoj j jV UUV U o oVoV U V UUU VjjjooUUU UUUUUV VU V Uo U UV V o V jVU Uj VU Uoj UV j VV j VU VoVV UVjV UU V o o U Vo joV V oVUj oo jjU Uo j oUU Ujj j V U UUj j o oo j jVU j V VjVVVUUVo U o o oU UUU UU jUjo VU UojjjoU o jj j joUUU oVo j U j oV V j j Uj jooVoV Uj V U joV UU U j oV VooooooooVVU Uoj V o V V joUj jjoV ooVo o oU UUVoooooooojj o U VooooVU j U jjooooVVVojjooj j jjj U Vooooj j j j U UUVj j j UoooooooVVooj j V jj jo j j j o UVVoVUU j jj ooj VoooooVU o jjjj jj jjjj V oj jj jjjjjjjj j o joj jjjj jj jjo ojjojjjoojjj Vo V U oo j jjjjj o j jjjj j o j jojo joj j j jj o V jooo j j oo j o j j j o U j j j jj V V j jj jVj joooo j V jjjjj j oj V jj jjj V UUV jj j U V jjj j jo j jj U j VUV o jU j VU o oU V o V Uj jj V j V o V o o jo V j j U jj oVj jj o Uj j j jj o o U oo j VVo j j jo j jo j j j U U o U UVjU o jV U VU V VV VUoj V U o U U o UU o VV U oU U o UV o V V o U j jj o o U V o j V UUoooV VU o o UV UU U j U oo U U jjj j jjo V o o j o j o j j j jj o V jj UV o o V Voo j V j j U o oU jj o jU UjVVo Uo V U oj U jUojj U U V jjj oU j

WWWW&MKWWW& WW &W KWWWMMW&WWWM &&MWWWMKWW& WWWWM WWW KMW& KWWWK MMMMK K M& KWWK &MM MK MM& &MWMK &M W & MW& WW& MWWW M K KWWWWM& KMK K W& WWWWWM&W WWWM&KMWW WWWWWWWW KWWWWWWWK MWWW WWWW WWWM WWWW M& &K KWWW WWW & &W& M&K&W WK MWW WWWM WWM WWW KW W &&KK &M K M M K K &MKW KWW KW & K WWK & W W&M&WKW W W&M W MM&&WW MWW KWWKM W M W W K K K K &WWWW WWWWWK WWWWWWW WWWWWWW MMWWWWWW &M&WWWWWM KKKKWWWKK& WWK & K KWWK WMMMWMMK K &WWWWMWMWWWM WWWW&WKWWWWM

,,. , : . ,, .,:, .. : : :: : , . .: . , :: : , , : :: :,:.,,:,. . ., :: , : ,.:: , ,: : :: : , , , : : , , . , ,,,,, :: ,:, . :, , ., : ,, : . , , : , :: : , : ,: : : , . : , . : :: : : : : , : : . , : : : , : , . . , . , : ::, : :: . , .. : :: :: : :: . : ...,,,:.,,, ,,..... .....,,,,,.. ,,.:,,,.,: :,.........,,.,,:,,.. .....,,,., ,.. .,,,. ..,,.,:::,. ,.,,..,,.: . ., ,.. .,,.,:,:,, ......,,... ,. : ,..,,::::: ,.,,.:,,.. . , : ,.,.,,,,, : ,.,...,,,. : :,:,:::, , ,......,.. . , ,,,,::: , ..,,,,.,... : . :::,:: , ........., , , :,,,,. ...,,..,: :: :,:,, , ....... ::,:. , ......: ::: ,::, . . ..,.., ,., :,,.. , ..., ,,:: :::,, , , ,..: . .:,:,, , .. ... : , , ... ., : ::,: , ,,,, :: : .: : : :::, ::: :

~< < *<* * } <~~ ~ } * * } * * < << ~ ~ ~<*}~ <* ~*} ~***< } ~ } <* < <<**<<*} } <<~<<*< ~ ~ } <} } }} }}}<} } < < ~ } } ~ } ~} }} ~~ *< } } }<< ~ ~* } < ~ < <** < * } <* ~ <}<} }~ *< }*<}~* * < < * ~< }**~ < ~}*<} }}}}~ * **}< <}~ *<**~~ } ~ << } <<*}< * * ~ }* <~<*~ < ~*~ }* <~<* <~<< <* <<~ * * } }< } } * *~~*~ ~* } < }~<*~~* << <~~*<~<*<~ } <<~<<<~}<* <}* <~< * } * } } * < < * <**<~*<<< ~****< ~<* ~ ~* <~<*} * }* * ~<* * <<< * ****~**< <*} * <**}< ~<<* <~<*} * **}~ } ****<~** * }<<< ~**** *<<*} }* * ~*}}~ *~*****<** * }~ }**< <*<*} ~ ~~~~~ * ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~~ ~ * } ~ ~~ ~~~ < < < <*< * ~}} } <*~ ~ *< }}~ < * * } * *} } * } *}~ <} * }*}~ }* }*~ * ~ ~}} < ~ * * ~* *}< } < < < <} *} *~ } ~~~*} } * ~*~ ~ < < << < ~*~ } }* ~ ~ ** ~ ~*< } ~ ~**~ * ~

V j o j UV V o UU UV V o jU j Uo jV V o o UU V j U oo j UVoU j j jVU V V o o U o j jj jjjjj UVoo j UUVVVUUU o ooVUojjo oj jjjjjj U U o jjjj j V j o oo jj U j ojoj j o j j o V j jj oo U V o jo j j j V o oU j j j j j oU V U oU o U VjUU U j j oj o o o o o ojVU o Ujo V jVV o ojjjj jU o jj o jV oV U V U U U V U ojj oo o U V j U VU j jj j j j jV j V U j U o o j V U j jo j jU o j ojoU VU oV o U j oo o