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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Total quotes: 40
“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
— Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Absurd, tennis, Sports, Absurd, clever, Funny
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”
— Mitch Hedberg, The Very Best Of Comedian - Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy, short, One-Liners
“Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg 2004 Just For Laughs gala
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Just For Laughs On The Edge
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy, food
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: comedy, humor, Stand-UP
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Do You Believe In Gosh : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.”
— Mitch Hedberg, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Girlfriend, Dating, Relationships, Couple Fights
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" 
"Just practicing."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor."
Damn gravity. Got me again! ”
— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Being a Comedian in Hollywood-Comedy Central Presents - Video Clip | Comedy Central
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg Live @ Amherst College (9 of 9)
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations: Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. ”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
"What room are you in?" 
"1401". 
"No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg on the Late Show 3/12/03
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." 
It's too many letters, man. 
"Hello?" 
"Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Tagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 

'Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations : Mitch Hedberg
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”
— Mitch Hedberg, MITCH HEDBERG - Just for Laughs (2002) | SUB ITA
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? 
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!"
"Well let's form a club then." 
"Alright, but we need more stipulations."
"Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad."
"Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!" 
"Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." 
And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." 
But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." 
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry.”
— Mitch Hedberg, What About the Dufresnes?
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“So it said 'You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.' 

I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! 

'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. 
"Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." 
I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Dinners and put them right across the street from bed and breakfasts. 
"Come over, about…one. But you have to leave at eleven. 'Cause you ain’t sleeping in the fucking chair."”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Bed & Breakfast (Mitch All Together ALBUM) StandUp Comedy Audio
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' 

Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 

'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus'”
— Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Complete
Tagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
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