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The Good Place Quotes

“Man, repressing your feelings is great.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: Existential Crisis
Tagged: The Good Place, LOL, TV, humor, Repressing Your Feelings
“I know it sounds crazy, but if it weren’t crazy, they wouldn’t call it a leap of faith. They’d call it a sit of doubting.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 2: Leap to Faith
Tagged: Leap of Faith, Faith, The Good Place, TV
“I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.”
— Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place, Season 1: The Eternal Shriek
Tagged: Stressed, Overwhelmed
“Life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.”
— Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Death, Meaning Of Life
“He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe.”
— Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Existential Crisis, anguish
“We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking 'Kristen Stewart on a red carpet' level of emotionless here, all right?”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 1: Mindy St. Claire
Tagged: Red Carpet, Emotionless
“All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Death, Mortality
“You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, 'I would like to speak to a manager.' But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.”
— Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, Season 2: Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent
Tagged: Managers, Fixing Relationships
“You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, 'Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong.' And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: Somewhere Else
Tagged: Voices In Your Head, do the right thing
“As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent
Tagged: Good Place, Heaven
“Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say 'fork'?

Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

Eleanor: That's bullshirt.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: Everything Is Fine
Tagged: Cursing, Heaven, Fork, joke, comedy
“Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Chidi: Famously a piano player.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: ...Someone Like Me as a Member
Tagged: Jazz, Music, Elton John, Celebrities, joke
“Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.”
— Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, Season 2: Somewhere Else
Tagged: Downton Abbey, TV Shows, Maggie Smith, Celebrities, Pop Culture, joke, Family
“I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, 'Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that,' or 'Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool.' Or 'Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives.'”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 2: Derek
Tagged: Conscience, Bad, Olives, food, Bad Deed, joke, Irreverent
“Michael: So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

Chidi: It's frowned upon.

Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: Derek
Tagged: Murder, Crime, Philosophy, Ethics, Irreverent
“Janet: Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.

Michael: Get what?

Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.”
— Janet, The Good Place, Season 2: Janet and Michael
Tagged: Breakups, Heartbreak, Self-Care, Sadness, joke
“Chidi: I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of 'Les Misérables,' in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?

Michael: 'Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically.'

Chidi: Do you see how you're already off topic?

Michael: Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 2: The Trolley Problem
Tagged: Les Misérables, Pop Culture, french, Philosophy, The Bad Place, Hell, Theft, Class, School
“Eleanor: What do we do?

Jason: We team up with Michael.

Eleanor: Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

Jason: He has a bow tie.

Eleanor: Oh, no.

Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.”
— Jason Mendoza, The Good Place, Season 2: Team Cockroach
Tagged: Bow Tie, Fashion, joke, Hot Takes, Crime, Trust, Trustworthy
“Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like 'rat' and 'Jason,' but I know a little wisdom I can give you.

Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.”
— Jason Mendoza, The Good Place, Season 2: Dance Dance Resolution
Tagged: joke, Stupid, Sassy, Wisdom, Ignorance
“I've only ever said 'I love you' to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 2: Dance Dance Resolution
Tagged: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Celebrities, Pop Culture, joke, Love
“Michael: Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Chidi: Ah, kind of like a last meal?

Michael: Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

Chidi: That's what you think hell is?”
— Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, Season 1: Mindy St. Claire
Tagged: Hell, joke, Fashion, punishment
“Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?

Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 1: Most Improved Player
Tagged: Hell, murderers, Arsonists, Criminals, joke, Judgment, Judgment Day
“Eleanor: Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.

Chidi: Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: The Eternal Shriek
Tagged: Death, dead, Murder, joke
“Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: The Eternal Shriek
Tagged: lying, Identity, Bad People, Bad
“Michael: So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show 'Friends'. Boy, those friends really were friends, weren't they? Although — and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being — how did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

Eleanor: Yeah, we were all confused about that too.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 1: What We Owe to Each Other
Tagged: Friends, Pop Culture, TV Shows, joke, Heaven, Eternal Being, Friendship
“Tahani: I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.

Michael: Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.”
— Michael, The Good Place, Season 1: Jason Mendoza
Tagged: Beyonce, Pop Culture, Perfection, Universe, joke
“Chidi: You are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Eleanor: Well, I think you're wrong.

Chidi: What country am I from, again?

Eleanor: Sensodyne.

Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, Season 1: Flying
Tagged: Selfish, joke, Ignorance, Good
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