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King of the Hill Quotes

“Why would anyone do drugs when they can just mow a lawn?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 9: Yard, She Blows!
Tagged: Drugs, mowing the lawn
“I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that'd be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy's health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I'm paying for it.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 7: Megalo Dale
Tagged: exterminator, Health Insurance
“Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you. Every time I get hooted at I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.”
— Luanne Platter, King of the Hill, Season 7: Boxing Luanne
Tagged: Catcalls, Tae Bo, Self-Defense
“Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!”
— Hank Hill (voice), King of the Hill, Season 9: A Rover Runs Through It
Tagged: Redneck, hollywood jerk
“You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 7: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre
Tagged: Threats
“I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 7: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre
Tagged: Anger, Idiot
“You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 6: Of Mice and Little Green Men
Tagged: E.T., Alien
“That's a clean-burning Hell, I tell you what!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Hill
Tagged: propane, Hell
“Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.”
— Peggy Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Lupe's Revenge
Tagged: subtitles, bad translations
“Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.”
— Bobby Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Bobby Goes Nuts
Tagged: trouble
“Enough! Your son has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.”
— Peggy Hill, King of the Hill, Season 12: Death Picks Cotton
Tagged: Death, Hell, Eternal Life
“Hank: [Presses his tongs into the steak cooking on the grill] Firm but with a little give. Yup, these are medium-rare.

Bobby: What if somebody wants theirs well-done?

Hank: We ask them politely, yet firmly, to leave.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 12: Raise the Steaks
Tagged: Steak, medium rare, well done
“Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 8: Reborn to Be Wild
Tagged: Christian Rock
“The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 5: Ho Yeah!
Tagged: pimping, propane
“Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 12: The Accidental Terrorist
Tagged: Sleepover, Cuddler
“Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!

Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 5: Hank and the Great Glass Elevator
Tagged: Kick Ass, asses, ass fetish
“I know how dark it is for you right now; curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, because there's a train comin' at you, carryin' a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: all you can do is let it hit you. And then try to find your legs. I know, I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me Boomhauer, I'm fat, and I'm old, and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley every day. I'm out there diggin' holes, fallin' into them, climbin' out, tryin' again, and tomorrow, I'm gonna hang outside at a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years? Is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive you better believe it. You gotta get right back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight t-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!”
— Bill Dauterive, King of the Hill, Season 6: Dang Ol' Love
Tagged: Hell, Boomhauer, Prison, Revenge
“...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 4: Naked Ambition
Tagged: peanut allergies, Conspiracy Theories
“But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if you've got the talent, metal! Y'see, shop doesn't have to happen in any special place—as long as it's well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal—it's in our hearts.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 4: Little Horrors of Shop
Tagged: Shop, fiberboard, plywood
“Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 2: Life in the Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga
Tagged: Father Son, parental affection
“Bobby: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?

Hank: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?”
— Bobby Hill, King of the Hill, Season 2: How to Fire a Rifle Without Really Trying
Tagged: gun rack, Like Father Like Son
“Hank Hill: For God's sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?

Bobby Hill: American.

Hank Hill: Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?

Bobby Hill: Why does it matter?

Hank Hill: That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Keeping Up With Our Joneses
Tagged: Nazi, european spy, American, Attitude
“Bobby, I'm proud of what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker! Go ahead pick yourself out a live one.”
— Cotton Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Shins of the Father
Tagged: Hooker, grandfather, Rite of Passage
“Dallas? I don't want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crack heads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Peggy the Boggle Champ
Tagged: dallas, Crackheads, Debutantes, Dallas Cowboys
“What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Westie Side Story
Tagged: Hatred, Race
“Anthony Page: Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.

Hank Hill: Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Anger, Projection
“Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Luanne's Saga
Tagged: Head, heart
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