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Seth MacFarlane Quotes

Total quotes: 125
“Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
Tagged: Holiday Spirit, Merry Christmas, Dysfunctional Family
“Peter Griffin: Run along Stewie, Daddy had a rough night.

Stewie Griffin: Why you tottering fen sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with, excuse me.”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Lethal Weapons
Tagged: I Hate Dad, Snark, Evil
“Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?

Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.”
— Brian Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
Tagged: Snark, Dating Sucks, Dating, Modern Love, Sassy
“Chris Griffin: You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

Brian: Ouch.”
— Brian Griffin, Family Guy, Season 4: North by North Quahog
Tagged: Snark, You Don't Have A Soul, No Soul, Dogs
“Lois Griffin: Stewie, hold my hand.

Stewie Griffin: No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 11: Space Cadet
Tagged: Snark, I Hate You Mom, Dying, Sassy
“[Speaking to his family] Well you guys we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and the rest of the place applauding them.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 11: Farmer Guy
Tagged: Dysfunctional Families, Sassy, Going Out To Eat
“I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: Love Thy Trophy
Tagged: humor, Funny, Smart Ideas, Genius
“Peter Griffin: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?”
— Brian Griffin, Family Guy, Season 2: If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
Tagged: Snark, mean, Funny, Reading
“Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.

Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 1: Chitty Chitty Death Bang
Tagged: jesus, Funny, party, Snark
“Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?

Stan: Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: Bullocks to Stan
Tagged: folding napkins, CIA, Carnival, Wipe Your Mouth, Swans, fancy
“An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 5: Roy Rogers McFreely
Tagged: Sprinker, Unsightly, Lawns, Prostitutes, Sassy, Shock
“Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 5: Roy Rogers McFreely
Tagged: Farting, Enjoyment, Took A long time
“ I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 10: Buck, Wild
Tagged: Kids Table, upset, Pokemon, babies, Old, Waste
“Stan: Look out, world, God and Stan are back together again!

Roger: It's not official 'til you change your Facebook status!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 13: Daesong Heavy Industries
Tagged: God, Facebook, Facebook Official, back together
“So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 14: Santa, Schmanta
Tagged: Lox and Bagels, Call Your Mother, Jewish, stereotypes, presents, Holidays
“*Gasp* I dropped my meatball in the pool!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 6: Rapture's Delight
Tagged: Meatball, Shock, Despair, Drop, Pool
“Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired, then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 1: Homeland Insecurity
Tagged: Gun Point, John Woo, shot, Guns, Sex
“In nature, a horse will not offer you his hoof until you gain his trust.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 4: Widowmaker
Tagged: Nature, Horse, Trust, Lessons, Advice
“Lois might be worth a million dollars to you but to me she's worthless.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: Death Lives
Tagged: Worthless, Marriage, mean
“The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 8: The Wrestler
Tagged: Life, Get anywhere, Wrestling, Team
“Hayley: [after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?

Stan: No. Damn fool was driving sober.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 10: She Swill Survive
Tagged: Car Crash, Cabs, Sober, Driving, Drunk Driving
“Roger's Spot wasn't always one of America's highest revenue generating casual dining experiences. It actually started out as a kind of place where you could trade your child support check for booze.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 11: Roger Passes the Bar
Tagged: Child Support, booze, Dining, Trade
“Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it, but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 12: Blonde Ambition
Tagged: Blondes, Brunettes, Science, Research, Boring, Fun
“I was supposed to be on that bus, but there was a lady with a chicken on there. What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell? Leave your bird at home, lady.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 13: Garfield and Friends
Tagged: bus, chicken, bird, Lady with bird, Guatemala
“Pedophile: So, uh, which boy is yours?

Stan: The hot one, duh.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 13: Next of Pin
Tagged: Pedophile, Hot, Attractive, Son, obvious
“I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 14: The Enlightenment of Ragi-Baba
Tagged: Love, love myself, everyday, Evening, Morning, masturbation
“Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?

Peter Griffin: Um... if by 'read' you mean 'imagined a naked lady,' then yes.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: A Fish out of Water
Tagged: Snark, Sassy, Not Paying Attention
“ I haven't felt this great in years! I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the fruity accent or the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 5: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey
Tagged: Snark, SASS, Sassy
“I'm young, I'm all dressed up, I'm on my way to marry the woman I love, and there's 290 years separating me from the films of Kevin Smith.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 7: Peter's Progress
Tagged: Movie References, Sassy, Getting Married
“[Speaking to Brian] How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 11: Roads to Vegas
Tagged: Sassy, Uncultured, Snark
“Tough guy: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.

Peter Griffin: Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 12: Herpe the Love Sore
Tagged: Peeing Yourself, embarrassed, Intimidated, Don't Flatter Yourself
“Steve: Dad! There you are!

Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 2: A Smith in the Hand
Tagged: Alone, Touching Myself, Perverts, Democrats, masturbation
“Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Failure is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Tagged: Gropefest, Awkwardness, Homosexual
“When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Dungeons and Wagons
Tagged: Cadillac, sinking, Ocean, Cars, Death, Learning, Choices
“Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 3: An Apocalypse to Remember
Tagged: Denzel Washington, Harrison Ford, chocolate
“Hayley: It's just a nose ring.

Stan: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 4: Stanny Slickers II
Tagged: Nose Ring, rebel, Edgy, Sting, Gateway
“You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois 'Frank.' Your move, Sherlock.”
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy, Season 3: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea
Tagged: Sex, Awkward Sex, awkward, Funny, Relationhips
“Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 6: My Morning Straitjacket
Tagged: Spoiler Alert, Sweet Potatoes, suck, Gross
“The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 9: The Missing Kink
Tagged: Sex, Church, Teaching, sitting, Learning, Missionaries
“Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar! That's gonna cost me $7!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 10: Cock of the Sleepwalk
Tagged: Gummi Bears, Gun, Mini Bar, Money, expensive, Tricky
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