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American Dad! Quotes

“Jeff: Roger said I have to stay in the closet because I'm dead. Do I get to be alive, now?

Hayley: Sorry, babe.

Jeff: It's okay. I've got my animal crackers and my bathroom bucket.”
— Jeff Fischer (Voice), American Dad!, Season 15: Death By Dinner Party
Tagged: dead, Hiding, Animal Crackers, Bathroom Bucket
“I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant... you know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to boobs. Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 15: The Mural of the Story
Tagged: accountant, Calculator, Addition, Stealing, Money
“So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 14: Santa, Schmanta
Tagged: Lox and Bagels, Call Your Mother, Jewish, stereotypes, presents, Holidays
“Text bubbles are made out of flesh-eating bacteria. You didn't know that?”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 14: Kloger
Tagged: Text Bubbles, flesh eating bacteria, Shock, Knowledge
“My roses are like bones in a desert.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 14: Julia Rogerts
Tagged: Roses, Bones, dessert, Simile Examples
“I've been experimenting with steroids. It's awesome! Now I wear tank tops with the thinnest straps you've ever seen.”
— Klaus (voice), American Dad!, Season 14: Whole Slotta Love
Tagged: Steroids, Thin Straps, Tank Top, Buff
“Hayley: Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects?

Jeff: At Spencer's Gifts.”
— Jeff Fischer (Voice), American Dad!, Season 14: Roger's Baby
Tagged: Spencer's, gifts, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Test
“I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 14: The Enlightenment of Ragi-Baba
Tagged: Love, love myself, everyday, Evening, Morning, masturbation
“You were just humming the Cheers theme song and shitting yourself.”
— Klaus (voice), American Dad!, Season 13: Standard Deviation
Tagged: Cheers, Theme Song, Shitting, Poop, high, Drugs
“You sound like the cops. They've given up on the case already too. To them, I'm just one more white kid who got stabbed in a bowling alley.”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 13: Next of Pin
Tagged: Cops, Given Up, case, Stabbed, Bowling Alley, White Kid
“Pedophile: So, uh, which boy is yours?

Stan: The hot one, duh.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 13: Next of Pin
Tagged: Pedophile, Hot, Attractive, Son, obvious
“News flash bong brain, I never pull out. Boom-shaka-lacka.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 13: Next of Pin
Tagged: Brain, Pull-Out, New Flash
“I was supposed to be on that bus, but there was a lady with a chicken on there. What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell? Leave your bird at home, lady.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 13: Garfield and Friends
Tagged: bus, chicken, bird, Lady with bird, Guatemala
“Stan: Look out, world, God and Stan are back together again!

Roger: It's not official 'til you change your Facebook status!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 13: Daesong Heavy Industries
Tagged: God, Facebook, Facebook Official, back together
“When I have a baby, I'm going to name it 'Recycle.'”
— Hayley Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 13: Stan Smith as Keanu Reeves as Stanny Utah in Point Breakers
Tagged: Baby, Baby Name, recycle, Hippie
“Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.”
— Francine Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 13: Hayley Smith, Seal Team Six
Tagged: Child, grown woman, Disney Channel, Acting
“Seizure my ass.”
— Klaus (voice), American Dad!, Season 12: Seizures Suit Stanny
Tagged: ass, Command, Seizure
“I'M HUNGRY TO FINISH MY FORT!”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 12: Morning Mimosa
Tagged: Fort, Anger, Frustration, Yelling
“Face to neck. Hand to lower back. Pec to boob? I don't know shit about hugging.”
— Steve Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 12: Now and Gwen
Tagged: hugs, Hugging, Unsure, Insecure, awkward
“Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it, but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 12: Blonde Ambition
Tagged: Blondes, Brunettes, Science, Research, Boring, Fun
“Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Failure is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Tagged: Gropefest, Awkwardness, Homosexual
“When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Dungeons and Wagons
Tagged: Cadillac, sinking, Ocean, Cars, Death, Learning, Choices
“Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 4: The 42-Year-Old Virgin
Tagged: rough, Sex, Making Love
“Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!

Hayley: There's no detention in college.

Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Iced, Iced Babies
Tagged: detention, College, Gryffindor, punishment, Harry Potter
“*Gasp* I dropped my meatball in the pool!”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 6: Rapture's Delight
Tagged: Meatball, Shock, Despair, Drop, Pool
“In nature, a horse will not offer you his hoof until you gain his trust.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 4: Widowmaker
Tagged: Nature, Horse, Trust, Lessons, Advice
“Roger's Spot wasn't always one of America's highest revenue generating casual dining experiences. It actually started out as a kind of place where you could trade your child support check for booze.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 11: Roger Passes the Bar
Tagged: Child Support, booze, Dining, Trade
“Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 6: My Morning Straitjacket
Tagged: Spoiler Alert, Sweet Potatoes, suck, Gross
“Oh, I love your religion ... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 6: Rapture's Delight
Tagged: Religion, crazy, virgin, Wine, Genocide, Folk Music, Harry Potter
“ Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Irregarding Steve
Tagged: Hollywood, Stock Exchange, celebrity, Socks, Careers
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