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Mike Judge Quotes

Total quotes: 92
“Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Luanne's Saga
Tagged: Head, heart
“Uhh, the Yiddish are coming.  Huh-huh-huh.  The Yiddish are coming.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 7: Leave It to Beavis
Tagged: british, Yiddish
“Daria:  You guys will never graduate.

Butt-head:  Uhh…never masturbate?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 6: The Mystery of Morning Wood
Tagged: graduate, masturbate, Misheard
“Butt-head:  [to McVicker]  You just weren't reaching us, dude.

Beavis:  Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
Tagged: reaching, Double Entendre
“Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 8: Reborn to Be Wild
Tagged: Christian Rock
“What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Westie Side Story
Tagged: Hatred, Race
“Uhh, thank you oh great master for your wisdom.  But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 8: Werewolves of Highland
Tagged: Wisdom, bite us
“[Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a female police officer who is posing as a prostitute]
Butt-head:  Hey, baby…so, like, how much?

Officer:  Fifty.

Butt-head:  Cool.  Beavis, do you have fifty cents?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 6: U.S. History
Tagged: undercover cop, prostitution
“[as Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address]  When I almost scored with four chicks seven years ago, this one chick's father brought forth upon me a prostitute.  Huh-huh.  Because some dudes just weren't created equal.  Huh-huh.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 7: Leave It to Beavis
Tagged: Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address, Prostitute
“Hey spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off mine.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Babes R Us
Tagged: masturbation, Spanking the Monkey
“I did absolutely nothing and it was everything I thought it could be.”
— Peter Gibbons, Office Space
Tagged: cubicles, Life Is Short
“Buzzcut: And what about your patent disregard for Beavis! Do you not care a rat's ass for the safety of your closest companion!?

Butt-head: Uhh…no.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Water Safety
Tagged: Compassion
“Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!

Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 5: Hank and the Great Glass Elevator
Tagged: Kick Ass, asses, ass fetish
“Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob.”
— Peter Gibbons, Office Space
Tagged: missing work
“Butt-head: Uhhhh... I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: Yeah, there's like, too many of them and stuff.”
— Beavis & Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
“[watching a Violent Femmes video] I don't understand what the big deal is about breaking up. I'd just be like "Hey baby, get lost. We can still do it and stuff, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
“[laughs while reading a label of superglue] It says "Use on wood."”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Beard Boys
“Dallas? I don't want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crack heads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 1: Peggy the Boggle Champ
Tagged: dallas, Crackheads, Debutantes, Dallas Cowboys
“The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 5: Ho Yeah!
Tagged: pimping, propane
“Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!”
— Hank Hill (voice), King of the Hill, Season 9: A Rover Runs Through It
Tagged: Redneck, hollywood jerk
“Butt-head: Uh…Hey Beavis. I got an idea.

Beavis: Yeah, me too! Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something. [holds up a lighter]”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Comedians
Tagged: Arson
“Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!

Beavis: We use language?”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Right On
Tagged: Language, Profanity
“Ah, ah, I almost forgot....I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Mmmmmkay? Thaaaaaanks.”
— Bill Lumbergh, Office Space
Tagged: Bosses, Condescension, working overtime
“No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.”
— Lawrence, Office Space
Tagged: ass kicking, Shit
“The #1 movie in America was called Ass. And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, ass, oscars, Best Screenplay
“Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination. But I had some eggs frozen, so just as soon as the right guy comes along...”
— Yuppie Wife, Idiocracy
Tagged: Heart Attack, masturbation, dysgenics, sperm donor, Artificial Insemination
“Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kickass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.”
— Dr. Lexus, Idiocracy
Tagged: Kickass, fucked up, Retarded, scrote
“What does the president of the United States think about when he goes to the bathroom?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Rabies Scare
Tagged: President of the United States, bathroom
“ [on the phone with the Home Shopping network] Yeah, I'd like to order one of those pubic zercroniums.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Sporting Goods
Tagged: Home Shopping Network, Cubic Zirconium
“Kindergarden teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?

Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: There's, like, too many of 'em and stuff.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
Tagged: Innumerate, Anger
“Judge: You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and—

Beavis: [laughing with Butt-head] She said penal.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Plate Frisbee
Tagged: Penal, Penile, Homonyms
“Butt-head: Face it, Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.

Beavis: Yeah, I'll just…wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Tainted Meat
Tagged: Genital Hygiene, penis
“You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 7: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre
Tagged: Threats
“Hey Beavis, I hear that if you fill a room with gas, and light a match, all the oxygen, like, disappears, and we'll get a killer buzz!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Stewart's House
“Beavis: Hey, where's the TV?

God: TV is the devil's tool.

Butt-Head: Yeah, where is it?”
— Beavis & Butthead, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Beavis and Butt-head Meet God
“Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?

Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Starbucks, handjob
“Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: mountain dew
“[while watching a KISS video]

You know, these guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: The Butt-Head Experience
“[watching a Morrissey music video] Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Blackout!
“[Watching a Public Image Ltd music video] 

Public Image Ltd.: I could be black, I could be white...
 
Butt-head: You're WHITE.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Customers Suck
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