Tom Segura Quotes
Total quotes (23)
Total quotes (23)
Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room.
Oh, my God. I do think about death. I just want it to be justified, you know? Like, if I die violently, you know, maybe I have, like, Serena Williams sitting on my face, and…I don’t know, Venus is polishing me off, and they’re trying to fit a racket in my ass or something like that. Then my wife comes in, boom, and I’m, like, fucking done.
I go, ‘what’s it like to smoke rocks? I’ve never done that before.’ And he goes, ‘ooh-ooh!’ [Applause] I was like, ‘is that the whole sentence? Is that it?’ He goes, ‘that shit is the best! What I like to do personally, is I like to sit in my apartment and fire ’em up. And then I look out the peephole. And I watch people walk around. And I just freak the fuck out about what’s gonna happen next.’ And then, he gave me a head nod like, ‘doesn’t that sound awesome?’ I was like, ‘dude, that sounds terrible. That’s called a panic attack, and that’s a horrible sales pitch for crack. Now, I’m definitely not gonna try it.’
I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, ‘Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why is this…?’ They’re like, ‘It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.’
So lady, when you say you’re horny ‘the way guys are,’ I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are. [audience cheering and clapping] And she goes, ‘Yeah. I’m not that horny.’ And I go, ‘I know.’ [audience laughs]
It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, 'In the name of the Father, and the Son…' And the kid in the row in front of me goes, 'Fuck your cunt.' [audience laughs] And I’m like, 'Oh. Uh-uh.' Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, 'Holy Spirit.' -Starts reading from the Bible.—[audience laughs]—This kid goes, 'Lick my balls!—[audience laughs] Fuck you!' I am laughing so goddamn hard. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I’m having a stroke. I’m ten. I’m like… [mumbling] I have tears running down my face. And finally I am able to get out, 'How come nobody else… [audience laughs] is laughing?' [audience laughs] And the kid next to me goes, 'He’s got Tourette’s. It gets old.' [audience laughs]
I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, ‘look at these fucking poor pieces of shit on my flight. Ugh.’ I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class bathroom when I’m there. I’ll put my hand on your chest, OK? No. No. There’s a pig trough in the back.
I’m always trying to set goals. My latest goal….I’m trying to be less polite, you know? ‘Cause the world is not as polite as you’re raised to believe it’s gonna be, you know? I don’t understand why we accept that when you say ‘thank you,’ people don’t have to say ‘you’re welcome’ anymore. People have stopped. Now, you say ‘thank you,’ and people give you a nod, like….I want to stab you in the fucking ears if you do that shit to me. I do. I’ll go, ‘thank you,’ and they go… I go, ‘did you not… did you not just hear what I just said to you, man?’ And you get, like, a follow-up nod. So now, I skip it all. I just take shit, and I go…