Ralph Kramden Quotes
Total quotes (23)
Total quotes (23)
Ralph Kramden: Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming.
Ed Norton: My mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind!
Ralph Kramden: Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you got a lose. It's no match.
Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] 'The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.'
Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by 'address the ball'?
Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here.
Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.
Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.
Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a couple of 'Hello, Stupids' and stuff like that! Now I don't even get that, anymore, huh? Well, let me tell you somethin', and get this into your head! This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!
Mrs. Gibson: Oh, why don't you shut up?
Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose.
Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, 'People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.'
Ralph Kramden: How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?