15+ Best Jason Segel Quotes

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If I have just one sip of wine, by the end of the evening I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips, just to get me hands on a rock. You know what I mean?

— Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Alcoholism Alcohol

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Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?

Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably.

— Peter Bretter (Jason Segel), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Surfing Sharks

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I believe in God, man. I’ve seen him. I’ve felt his power. He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham baby!

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Pilot

Rock N' Roll Life Rock God

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Nick: Your dad's makin' you go to the dance? What's that all about?

Ken: Who's your dad? Hitler?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Pilot

Hitler Overstatement

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I've never asked Lily to do anything ‘no questions asked’ because I never wanted to. She's the love of my life. I never keep anything from her.

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 9: No Questions Asked

no questions asked Love of My Life

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Lemme just say that, if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!

— Darald (Jack Mcbrayer), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Oral Sex

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Nick: What do people do when they're not stoned?

Ken: I dunno. Relate to one another?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'

Relate stoned

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Revenge fantasies never work out the way you want.

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 8: The Final Page (1)

revenge fantasies never work out

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Oh, wedding in Hawaii! Real original!

— Peter Bretter (Jason Segel), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Hawaii Weddings

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The weather outside is weather.

— Chuck (Paul Rudd), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Weather

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You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.

— Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

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Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Smooching and Mooching

Meat Delicious Smells Good Dinner

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Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh, you take care of me when I'm sick, you're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing on the eggs before she cooks them, it's called Eggs Marshall and it's awesome. But the main reason is you're my best friend, Lily. You're the best friend I've ever had.

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 2: Something Borrowed

Love how do i love thee BFF

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Look, these teachers...these teachers want us to work, you know? And I say fine...I'll work. But you gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do. And for me, Lindsay, it's my—it's my drum kit, man. This my passion, you know? This is- this is the essence of who I am now. But before I had this, I was lost too. You see what I'm saying? You need to find...your reason for—for living, man. You've got to find, your big, just gigantic drum kit, you know?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Pilot

Teachers Drum Kit Passion

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Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World house! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 3: Dowisetrepla

Peanut Butter inconsiderate real world Hawaii

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Jason Segel Quotes

Jason Segel

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Total quotes (16)

Nick Andopolis: Can you ever not be sarcastic?

Ken Miller: [sarcastically] I'm sarcastic?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: The Garage Door

If I have just one sip of wine, by the end of the evening I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips, just to get me hands on a rock. You know what I mean?

— Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?

Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably.

— Peter Bretter (Jason Segel), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I believe in God, man. I’ve seen him. I’ve felt his power. He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham baby!

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Pilot

Nick: Your dad's makin' you go to the dance? What's that all about?

Ken: Who's your dad? Hitler?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Pilot

I've never asked Lily to do anything ‘no questions asked’ because I never wanted to. She's the love of my life. I never keep anything from her.

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 9: No Questions Asked

Lemme just say that, if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!

— Darald (Jack Mcbrayer), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Nick: What do people do when they're not stoned?

Ken: I dunno. Relate to one another?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Chokin' and Tokin'

Revenge fantasies never work out the way you want.

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 8: The Final Page (1)

Oh, wedding in Hawaii! Real original!

— Peter Bretter (Jason Segel), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

The weather outside is weather.

— Chuck (Paul Rudd), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.

— Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Smooching and Mooching

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 2: Something Borrowed

— Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel), Freaks and Geeks, Season 1: Pilot

— Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel), How I Met Your Mother, Season 3: Dowisetrepla

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