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Aziz Ansari Quotes

Total quotes (56)

Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari

Birthname

Birthday February 23, 1983

Educated At South Carolina Governor's School For Science And Mathematics, New York University Stern School Of Business, New York University

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Comedian, Actor

Religion Atheism

Characters Portrayed

Total quotes (56)

Look through the tube, see some boob! Show some green, see some peen!

— Darryl (Aziz Ansari), Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Nude Beach

voyeurism Boob Peen

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One girl raved about a nice voice mail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.’ THAT WAS IT.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!

— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden - Thanks Mom and Dad - Netflix [HD]

iPads Millennials Funny Quotes

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If we could all have lifelong passionate love, the world would collapse. We’d stay in our apartments lovingly staring at our partners while the streets filled with large animals and homeless children eating out of the garbage.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Modern Dating Modern Love The Digital Age Get Into Trouble

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I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.

— Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari), Parks and Recreation, Season 5: Jerry's Retirement

Sweat Pants Nicholas Sparks Lean Into It

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If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Modern Dating Modern Love The Digital Age Get Into Trouble

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I don't need to make more stuff. I've made a lot of stuff! I'm financially okay. I'm not gonna make stuff just for the sake of making stuff. I want to make stuff ’cause I'm inspired. Right now I don't really feel inspired.

— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None

Artists Creation How to be a writer Career The writing life inspiration

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Sometimes there’s another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren’t playing mind games or busy. They’re just GOOGLING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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I love you, but today, part of me feels like I’m buying a Honda Accord.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching— and this is a direct quote— ‘Jewish and my zip code.’…that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone’s window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps ‘All My Life’ by K-Ci & JoJo?

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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You know how we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together? I wanna keep doing that 'til you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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The endless string of first dates where you just say the same shit over and over again in the same places starts getting tiresome.”

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance: An Investigation

First Dates Single Life H4D-46

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It's becoming too common for guys to ask girls to 'hang out' rather than directly asking them on a date.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating hanging out H4D-47

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Whenever you check for a new post on Instagram or whenever you go on The New York Times to see if there's a new thing, it's not even about the content. It's just about seeing a new thing. You get addicted to that feeling.

— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None

News Media Entertainment The Digital Age

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I was talking to Spike Jonze the other day, and he was like, 'Yeah, I'm not really doing anything right now. My rule is, if it's not more fun than going surfing, I'm not gonna do it.' I love when I say no to everything.

— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None

Artists Creation Spike Joneze My aesthetic Quote of the Moment

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You can’t call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they be like: ‘What? Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time, text me that shit.’

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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After the rings, the priest should just say, ‘Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain’s tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won’t feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where’s the pigs in a blanket? I’m outta here.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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Even a guy at the highest end of attractiveness barely receives the number of messages almost all women get. But that doesn’t mean that men end up in the online equivalent of standing alone in the corner of the bar. Online there are no lonely corners. Everywhere is filled with people looking to connect.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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Asking a new person to go on a romantic outing has never been easy. It means declaring your attraction to someone and putting yourself out there in a huge way, while risking the brutal possibility of rejection -- or, in the modern era, even an unexplained, icy-cold silence.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating Modern Romance Relationships Rejection

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So love goes from feeling like I’m doing cocaine to feeling how I feel about my uncle? I don’t want to make companionate love sound like a bummer. It is love, just less intense and more stable. There is still passion, but it’s balanced with trust, stability, and an understanding of each other’s flaws.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

Dating romance Love Marriage love and romance

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