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Aziz Ansari Quotes

Total quotes: 43
“I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden - Thanks Mom and Dad - Netflix [HD]
Tagged: iPads, Millennials, Funny Quotes
“If we could all have lifelong passionate love, the world would collapse. We’d stay in our apartments lovingly staring at our partners while the streets filled with large animals and homeless children eating out of the garbage.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“I feel like there should be an app that analyzes your tum and tells you what you want to eat.”
— Dev, Master of None, Season 1: Finale
Tagged: Apps for Eating
“If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Modern Dating, Modern Love, The Digital Age, Get Into Trouble
“I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.”
— Tom Haverford, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Jerry's Retirement
Tagged: Sweat Pants, Nicholas Sparks, Lean Into It
“If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Modern Dating, Modern Love, The Digital Age, Get Into Trouble
“I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching— and this is a direct quote— ‘Jewish and my zip code.’…that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“It's becoming too common for guys to ask girls to 'hang out' rather than directly asking them on a date.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, hanging out, H4D-47
“How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone’s window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps ‘All My Life’ by K-Ci & JoJo?”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“You know how we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together? I wanna keep doing that 'til you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“The endless string of first dates where you just say the same shit over and over again in the same places starts getting tiresome.””
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance: An Investigation
Tagged: First Dates, Single Life, H4D-46
“You can’t call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they be like: ‘What? Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time, text me that shit.’”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Whenever you check for a new post on Instagram or whenever you go on The New York Times to see if there's a new thing, it's not even about the content. It's just about seeing a new thing. You get addicted to that feeling.”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None
Tagged: News, Media, Entertainment, The Digital Age
“I was talking to Spike Jonze the other day, and he was like, 'Yeah, I'm not really doing anything right now. My rule is, if it's not more fun than going surfing, I'm not gonna do it.' I love when I say no to everything.”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None
Tagged: Artists, Creation, Spike Joneze, My aesthetic, Quote of the Moment
“I’m not that good a person, but I’m working on it.”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari’s Comeback Show Was a Lot to Process
Tagged: imperfect, Growth
“Asking a new person to go on a romantic outing has never been easy. It means declaring your attraction to someone and putting yourself out there in a huge way, while risking the brutal possibility of rejection -- or, in the modern era, even an unexplained, icy-cold silence.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, Modern Romance, Relationships, Rejection
“Even a guy at the highest end of attractiveness barely receives the number of messages almost all women get. But that doesn’t mean that men end up in the online equivalent of standing alone in the corner of the bar. Online there are no lonely corners. Everywhere is filled with people looking to connect.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“When I’ve really been in love with someone, it’s not because they looked a certain way or liked a certain TV show or a certain cuisine. It’s more because when I watched a certain TV show or ate a certain cuisine with them, it was the most fun thing ever.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Love, Dating, H4D-9
“I'm not choosing ignorance. I'm choosing to not watch wrestling.”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None
Tagged: News, Media, Entertainment, The Digital Age
“On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“So love goes from feeling like I’m doing cocaine to feeling how I feel about my uncle? I don’t want to make companionate love sound like a bummer. It is love, just less intense and more stable. There is still passion, but it’s balanced with trust, stability, and an understanding of each other’s flaws.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“M, a brand marketer, sent her boyfriend a picture of her breasts to help him cope with a case of nerves before a presentation at work. This is my favorite. I just love the idea of the guy opening up his phone, seeing the boobs, and thinking, ‘Ahhhh. Okay, you got this, Phil! Let’s nail this PowerPoint presentation.'”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“At a certain point the cost of the work needed to maintain a fun single lifestyle outweighs the benefits. The nights when you have amazing casual sex start getting outweighed by the times you wander home alone wasted and wake up hungover with a half-eaten burrito sitting on your chest.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“In a world where you sit around all day in your pajamas and swipe right on the faces of your dreams, the options problem rears its ugly head, making settling down seem so damn limiting. Yes, you have someone great, but are you sure they’re the greatest?”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“At a certain point the brain rebalances itself. It stops pumping out adrenaline and dopamine and you start feeling like you did before you fell in love. The passion you first felt starts to fade. Your brain is like, ALL RIGHT!! We get it, we get it. She’s great, blah, blah, blah.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“I see people my age…getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the REST of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like ‘What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“When we do marry, we are marrying for love. We are finding our soul mates. And the tools we have to find our soul mates are incredible. We aren’t limited to just the bing-bongs who live in our building. We have online dating that gives us access to millions and millions of bing-bongs around the world. ”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“Can you imagine if someone called us a few years ago and said, ‘All right, you're going to have this much money when you're this age. What are you gonna do with it?’ You would say all sorts of fantastical things, right? No one would say, Oh, I would figure out how to make more money and keep working all the time.”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None
Tagged: Artists, Creation, How to be a writer, Money, Career
“It's that gas from your ass
That toot from your boot
That hum in your bum
That loot from your chute
All that air from your ol' derriere
Come on and set it free
'Cause farts are liberty!
What do we wanna do? (Fart, fart!)
Open up your butt cheeks
This is how our butts speak
Let's
Go
Faaaaaart!”
— Darryl, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Easy Commercial, Easy Gommercial
Tagged: Farts, Gas, Gross, Derriere
“We want something that’s very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren’t looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren’t boiling, committing to marriage seems premature. But searching for a soul mate takes a long time and requires enormous emotional investment. The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the 'perfect person' that simply didn’t exist in the past when 'good enough' was good enough.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Millennials, Love, Expectations
“Online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have. In fact, most of us have no clue what we’re doing. One reason is that people don’t always know what they’re looking for in a soul mate, unlike when they’re picking something easier, like laundry detergent (big ups to Tide Mountain Spring— who doesn’t want their clothes to smell like a fresh mountain spring?!). While we may think we know what we want, we’re often wrong.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“If I ever was texting frequently with someone and wanted to make an alias, I think I’d go with ‘Scottie Pippen.’ Then any friends who were peeking at my screen could be left wondering why I was texting with the former Chicago Bulls star on the reg. I only hope Scottie Pippen’s wife never has an affair where she uses the same strategy and the guy texts while Scottie is in the room and he can see her screen. Scottie Pippen would likely believe it was an impostor Scottie Pippen from another dimension, sent to steal his wife and kill him. The psychological damage inflicted on poor Scottie Pippen would be far worse than discovering a simple affair.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“If I had been a young person a few generations ago, I would have gotten married pretty young. Most likely, I would have wound up marrying some girl who lived in my neighborhood in my hometown of Bennettsville, South Carolina, around the time I was twenty-three. She would have been even younger, which means she would have been going straight from her father’s arms into mine, with no time to develop or pursue her own interests.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
““Beyond flakiness, as far as dating goes, I’ve observed many men who, while hopefully decent human beings in person, become sexually aggressive ‘douche monsters’ when hiding behind the texts on their phone. The messages being sent are inarguably inappropriate and often quite offensive, but, again, over text the consequences of the recipient’s being offended are minimal. You don’t see their face. You don’t hear their voice. And they aren’t there in person to look horrified or throw a heavy object at your dumb head.””
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“I was reading all this Trump stuff, and it doesn't feel like we're reading news for the reason we used to, which was to get a better sense of what's going on in the world and to enrich yourself by being aware. It seems like we're reading wrestling rumors. It's like reading about what happened on Monday Night Raw. When you take a step back, it all just seems so sensationalized. Trump's gonna get impeached! No, he's not. None of that shit's happening. But you are going to read all the articles. So if you take yourself out of it, you're not infected with this toxicity all the time. Also, guess what? Everything is fine!”
— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari on Quitting the Internet, Loneliness, and Season 3 of Master of None
Tagged: News, Media, Entertainment, The Digital Age
“Often, when you’re out in the single world meeting people, you meet someone you like, get their number, and put it right in your phone, transforming them into an ‘option’ that lives in your device. Sometimes you and that option engage in some phone-based interaction and you meet up in person. But sometimes that exchange never happens. That potentially cool, exciting person dies there, buried in your phone.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Modern Romance, Aziz Ansari, Modern Dating, Dating, Communication, Options
“If someone lies and says they are dating someone or they are moving to another town soon, you don’t feel rejected, because it’s no longer about you… So I guess what I’m saying is the next time someone asks you out and you aren’t interested, the nicest thing you can do is write back: ‘Sorry, can’t do dinner tomorrow. I’m leaving on a secret mission with the space program! When I return to earth, I will have barely aged at all, but you’ll be seventy-eight years old. I just don’t think it’s a good time for me.’”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“As a public figure, I have never considered doing any online dating. I always figured there was a chance someone who was a stalker type would use it as an opportunity to kidnap and murder me… Maybe my stalker (probably an Indian dude) sees my profile and thinks, Oh, here’s that comedian guy on OkCupid. FINALLY, I have a way to reach out to him and slowly plot his murder. He sends me a message pretending to be a woman. I see the profile. ‘She’ likes tacos and Game of Thrones. I’m very excited.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
“When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. People are like a Flo Rida song. You need to hear them a couple of times before you really get what they’re about.”
— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance
Tagged: Dating, romance, Love, Marriage, love and romance
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