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Alan Alda Quotes

Total quotes: 15
“Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.

Radar: I could do without it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Radar’s Report
Tagged: War, Pacifism
“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 4: The Bus
Tagged: cards, Aim
“I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns, M*A*S*H, Season 5: Dear Sigmund
Tagged: Marriage, Divorce, ugly, disgusting
“Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Schizophrenia, Close Quarters
“Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: The Sniper
Tagged: Hero, Tired, cold, Hungry, don't give a damn
“Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Deal Me Out
Tagged: trouble, Women, Double Entendre
“Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.

Trapper: All right.

Hawkeye: Let's never stop.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Check-Up
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“Potter: I gather you drink.

Hawkeye: Only to excess.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 4: Welcome to Korea
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 7: Inga
Tagged: overconfidence, winsome, stag, mate, pollen, Sex, Appetite
“Lt. Dish: Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?

Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged, too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.

Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much.

Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, Engaged, Faithful, Dress Rehearsal
“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Officer of the Day
Tagged: not sleeping, excuses, Alibis
“Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

Trapper John McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Bible, The Devil Did It
“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: O.R.
Tagged: Freedom, Achievement, Flatulence, tension, American Dream
“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Officer of the Day
Tagged: Guns, harakiri, Pentagon, cary grant, old virginia
“Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. [Radar begins to cry] Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 6: Fallen Idol
Tagged: Iowa, naivete, Blood, sausage grinder
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