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Jim Gaffigan Quotes

“Sometimes my phone rings, I look at it and I think: ‘This person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off.’ ‘I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy.’ ‘Buy my album.'”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: phone calls
“We’re totally equals. I mean, when we rent a car, I won’t let her drive. And that’s not sexism. I just don’t wanna die.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: wives
“My wife is amazing. Even in the most stressful moments, I will catch her looking at me with an expression that could only be described as regret. But she’s Catholic, so there’s no quitting the team.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: wives, Catholic Guilt
“Who’s the first person to walk into a harbor and go: ‘Hey, whatever reeks in here, let’s eat that!’ Fish don’t even like fish. That’s why they’re always frowning.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: food
“For the record, I would never eat a dolphin ’cause I don’t like fish. And I know I’ll get tweets where people will say, ‘Dolphins are mammals.’ And those are the people I block. ‘Cause that’s how I deal with criticism.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Dealing With Negativity
“We were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. I have a friend. He was born in Russia. He moved here when he was 3 and I still think he might be a spy. We don’t know.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Russians and Americans
“My 3-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present this year. Yeah. And I’ve known him for a couple years. So I’m not talking to him.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Parenting, kids
“No one wants to admit they have a landline. It’s like discovering you’re still paying for AOL.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Technological Advacements, phones
“We all have the friend or relative with the flip phone. You’re like, ‘Where’d you get that? Do you use that to call the past?'”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Cell Phones, Technological Advacements
“We have relationships with these television shows. You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and then you’re like, ‘It’s over. I don’t even know you anymore. I gave up the best nights of my life.'”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Binge-Watching, Television, TV Shows
“My friends don’t understand. ‘When do you watch? You have five kids.’ I ignore them. I can’t go to that recital. I’m re-watching West Wing.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Binge-Watching, Television
“The first thing you notice when you go hiking is it’s a mistake. ‘Oh, we’re not walking anywhere in particular.’”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Nature Walk
“But what I didn’t realize is that ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’ in its day, was a huge hit. It was huge. It was like their ‘Uptown Funk.’ Which makes you wonder what was going on in the 1830s.”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Music History
“Summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment. That first job, you’re like, ‘I have to go to work in July? What is this, Russia?’”
— Jim Gaffigan, Jim Gaffigan: Cinco
Tagged: Summer Feels, Being A Child, Growing Up
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