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The Odd Couple Quotes

“What's this all about? and it better be good... my wife thinks I'm fooling around with the meter maid.”
— Officer Murray Greshler, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Blackout
Tagged: meter maid, Cheating, Cops
“Home delivery is for newspapers, not for babies!”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: Natural Childbirth
Tagged: home delivery, Newspapers, babies
“Felix, Felix, Felix! You're a nice little boy, but why do you have to be so gosh darned clean? If there are two things that nobody likes, it's a dirty old man, and a clean little boy.”
— Grandpa Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: What Makes Felix Run
Tagged: dirty old man, clean little boy, germophobe
“Oscar Madison: [Oscar loses Felix's burial deposit, and goes to the cemetery to make amends] I just want to know who bought plot 204.

Cemetery Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's privileged information... We don't give that out to the public.

Oscar Madison: Well, I can appreciate that, but I want to help my friend, Felix Unger.

Cemetery Salesman: Oh, yes, Mr Unger. Very nice man. Sorry to lose him.

Oscar Madison: Well, you don't have to lose him. Just give me the name.

Cemetery Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but it's a matter of ethics. Besides, the owner may be leaving this earth very soon.

Oscar Madison: Uh, maybe he'd like to make a little profit before he goes. I mean, he paid 500 for it, I'll give him 750.

Cemetery Salesman: But you couldn't give him anything if you didn't have his name.

Oscar Madison: OK, OK, I'll double it. I'll give him a thousand dollars for the plot.

Cemetery Salesman: No. You'll give him 750 for the plot.

Oscar Madison: Oh, thank you.

Cemetery Salesman: And you'll give me 250 for his name.

Oscar Madison: But that is...

Cemetery Salesman: I know, but the cemetery game is a jungle.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: A Grave for Felix
Tagged: Cemeteries, burial plots
“Oscar Madison: Your name is Homer?
[Shocked upon hearing Speed's real name from the guard]

Speed: [Sarcastically] What? You think when I was born my parents named me SPEED?”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: Murray the Fink
Tagged: Homer, speed, Parents
“Teddy: You already have a great job. You host a national radio show from your apartment. If you want you could do it naked, or eating a pizza, or getting a massage. If you play your cards right, you could do all three at once.


Oscar: That is the dream.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Secret Agent Man
Tagged: Dream, Pizza, male fantasies, dude heaven
“So I get to put on a suit and talk about how great you are? I was hoping to avoid that until your funeral.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Wedding Deception
Tagged: funeral, Eulogy
“Oscar: I didn't just win, I beat you like a dirty rug.


Felix: Okay, except nobody cleans rugs like that anymore because we don't live on The Waltons.”
— Felix Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Unger Games
Tagged: cards, poker, The Waltons
“Felix: You just wanted to beat me so you could feel superior. Well guess what sir, you have poked the dragon! And you would know what that means if you'd watched even one Game of Thrones with me. 


Oscar: I don't need to watch the show to know that it's bad to poke the dragon.”
— Felix Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Unger Games
Tagged: poke the dragon, Game of Thrones
“Murph, you probably hear this all the time, but carry me to the bedroom!”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Unger Games
Tagged: ravish me
“Murph, lift with your legs or you could literally burst your balls.”
— Felix Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Unger Games
Tagged: Weightlifting, burst your balls
“Felix: What else did I do? Was I also brushing my teeth for hours because the battery was totally run down?

Oscar: Yes, yes you were.”
— Felix Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Sleeping Dogs Lie
Tagged: Brushing Teeth
“Chris Webber: Why is the little guy so troubled?

Dani: He's cranky, he needs a nap.”
— Dani, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Sleeping Dogs Lie
Tagged: Nap, little guy
“Felix: I was trying to be a good friend.

Oscar: If you were a good friend you would have been honest with me.

Felix: Fine, Paolo was a 28-year-old Brazilian gymnast with family money.

Oscar: Not that honest.”
— Felix Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Sleeping Dogs Lie
Tagged: good friend, Honesty, not that good
“Oscar: Hey Gab, so where are we on the hugging situation?

Gabby: Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick.

Oscar: Wow it's like you never left.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Audit Couple
Tagged: Hugging
“Gabby: Hey, Teddy, you look great. 

Teddy: Tell Diane that, she keeps leaving gym memberships under my pillow. ”
— Teddy, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Audit Couple
Tagged: gym memberships
“Oscar: Wait, is this all part of your master plan?

Gabby: What do you mean?

Oscar: We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left?”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Ghostwriter
Tagged: Divorce, master plan
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