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Parks and Recreation Quotes

“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: deathbed, final wish, Ex-Wives, Go to Hell
“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: food, Eat, Scared
“It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: good idea, Coworkers, Capable, Pain
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Eagleton
Tagged: Birthdays, Hallmark, cards
“Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: idiots, give 100%, impossible, more than 100%
“Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: sting like a bee, float like a butterfly, Advice, Ridiculous
“Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Citizen Knope
Tagged: Capitalism, Smart, poor, God, determining
“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: I'm Leslie Knope
Tagged: need anything, deal with your problems, adults
“Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: Do Something, Nothing, helps, Work
“When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Born and Raised
Tagged: Chummy, Wrong Name, don't care
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: worked, never learned, name, Best friend
“There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Partridge
Tagged: Skim Milk, lying, Water, Personification Examples
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Anniversaries
Tagged: Frozen Yogurt, Celery, zero stars
“[Holds up iPod] 

TOM PUT ALL MY RECORDS INTO THIS RECTANGLE. THE SONGS JUST PLAY ONE AFTER THE OTHER. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Farmers Market
Tagged: iPod, Records, Songs, rectange, Happy
“I totally hear you, but, erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.”
— Mona-Lisa, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Bailout
Tagged: Understand, no, Start a fire, bathroom
“Boss man, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.”
— Mona-Lisa, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: boss, Manager, Hang on, Quit
“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Prom
Tagged: Alcohol, block, Words, talking
“I wasn’t listening but I strongly disagree with Ann.”
— April Ludgate, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bus Tour
Tagged: Listening, strongly, Disagree
“Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.”
— Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: Feelings, Grief, Anger, Murphy Brown, emotions
“I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.”
— Tom Haverford, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Jerry's Retirement
Tagged: Sweat Pants, Nicholas Sparks, Lean Into It
“My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Ron and Tammys
Tagged: Wife, ex-wife, mother, Tammy, Names
“Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shhhing.”
— Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: Diabolical, Ruthless, Biker Gang, Political Savvy
“Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!!”
— Ann Perkins, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Greg Pikitis
Tagged: Halloween, holiday, slutty, costumes, Stomach Pumped
“ I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Stakeout
Tagged: born, Born Ready, confident, Pride
“My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Boys Club
Tagged: Government, Nukes, Single Man, IQ, Decathalon
“Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck.

Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady.”
— Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Canvassing
Tagged: Lady, you suck, Insult, Optimistic
“Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!”
— April Ludgate, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Second Chunce
Tagged: humor, Funny, Power, Pizza, Knowledge, Money
“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Leslie vs. April
Tagged: Absurd, Breakfast Food
“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: motivation, Fear, Money, Hunger
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Sarcasm, reception, Alone
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