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Eastbound & Down Quotes

“It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 9
Tagged: tits and ass, Tits, ass, Muslims, Jews
“There's gonna be an ass-ton of crabs, lobsters, wine, Bartles & Jaymes, corn on the cob, fuckin’ booger sugar.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 9
Tagged: lobster, bartles & jaymes, corn on the cob, Cocaine
“I'm wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 9
Tagged: Black, wearing black, Outlaws, fags, Cocaine, Homophobia
“Yeah Stevie, I'm pretty sure the guy I'm looking for didn't direct the fucking Blair Witch Project. Just forget you ever heard the name Eduardo Sanchez. Forget that he supposedly lives in a village near here. Forget that he is not Mexican, but a gringo.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 10
Tagged: Blair Witch Project, Mexican, Gringo
“Is that my thong? Oh, dude no way! You do not go in my drawers and take out a pair of my chones. That is a big no-no!”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 9
Tagged: no-no, thong, Gross
“I got two hard rules I live by, pop: I don't fuck with the Devil, and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 11
Tagged: devil, blood relatives, tag teams
“Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit?”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 10
Tagged: Winning
“Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold. Instead you're just a whore with a real whore's heart.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 10
Tagged: Whore, heart of gold
“I paid cash for the motherfucker. Bought it with an advance that I was paid for this, uh...self help novel I'm about to have published onto the Oprah's book clubs...Pretty much saved all my pennies from my major league days. Invested a lot of it very wisely in stocks, bonds, famous works of arts.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 11
Tagged: Cash, Oprah's Book Club, Major League Baseball, Stocks
“I can't believe I opened up my heart up to that bitch. Opened it wide up. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped all over it.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 10
Tagged: booty, Pooping, Bitch
“Chapter 17. Done, and fuckin' done. Just like that, the journey is over...depression is finished, and you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people...The road has been paved with dickheads, backstabbers, and pains in the fuckin' ass...but memories were made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled, and the truth was discovered.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: dickheads, Backstabbers, pole smokers
“We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys. Follow me. Walk with me out on to that field. And when you do, you will fucking put your ass out, and you raise your fucking head up. Know that you'll never, ever...ever reach the heights that you're gonna reach tonight. But you can leave here knowing that you helped Kenny Powers' dreams come true...For a bunch of Mexican baseball players, that ain't too bad.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: Great Things, Mexican Baseball
“Truth be told, things aren't going as good for me as I led on to believe. The love of my life married some other dude, and my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit. I stole homeboy's car, and now I'm probably a wanted fugitive.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 11
Tagged: Pussy, Girlfriend, fugitive
“The good thing about getting over depression is...well...you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn't an obstacle, just some people are...And it might be someone that you find is in your bloodline, distant and as brown as their skin can be, they still are part of you.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 11
Tagged: Depression, obstacle, Bloodline
“Let's face it, guys, after midnight, this whole fucking place turns into a pumpkin, and you guys all turn back into mice. This is a classic Cinderella tale here. You know, Peter Pan will no longer be a man, he'll turn into a real boy. George Washington will never be able to cut down the beanstalk. You guys will eventually just go back to bein' the shittiest Mexican baseball team in Mexico.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: Cinderella Tale, pumpkin, George Washington, Peter Pan, Beanstalk, Mexico
“Purity—it's what we all desire, and it is what I've come here to share with you. Hence the all whites.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: Purity, whites
“I brought you guys up from less than fuckin' nothin', and took you up to a championship level, only to abandon you there...leave you high and dry, naked and nude, prey, easy targets for the competitions, to rape and buttfuck you. I'm sorry for that.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: Rape, buttfuck, Championship, dry, nude
“Reminds me of why I'm here in the first place. A quest is nothin' if you got no one to brag about it too, will never reach the end if you're only doing it for yourself. Me, I'm doing it for a girl I had to leave behind, just to get this far. Now I gotta go a little further to get back to her. All I can do is hope that one day she'll understand, and when that day comes, it's not too late.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 7
Tagged: Quest, Reconciliation, bragging
“Too hot for hugs here, man. I've been battlin' a war with swamp ass since I got down here.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: hugs, swamp ass
“A goddamn Mexican standoff in fuckin' Mexico. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 12
Tagged: Mexican, Mexican Standoff
“Oddly enough, the people here aren't that different from the ones back home, when you get past the lack of interest in real sports, and the need to have yellow rice at every fuckin' meal.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 7
Tagged: Mexico, Sports, Yellow Rice
“Can't help but notice how much they stick together, too. I mean, when you see Mexicans in the States you think, 'oh, there's a group of Mexicans, doin' Mexican things together', but here you see that it's not just because they talk the same language, and are all Catholic. Family means a lot to these people. Relationships, husbands, wives, parents, all that shit.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 7
Tagged: Mexico, Mexicans, Catholic
“I learned a lot down in Mexico. I learned that sometimes to be the man, you gotta beat the man. I learned the grass is not always greener. I learned that adversity's sweet milk. That's philosophy, April.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 7
Tagged: Mexico, Grass is Green, Adversity, Philosophy
“Well, I wouldn't want to ruin a sale, huh? Guess you guys got to make those commissions to be able to buy all the goddamn...the FUBU, and the Oshkosh B'gosh, and the shit the baby's gonna be wearing. Hey, potential home buyers. Hope ya'll know there were a lotta rapes that happened in this house.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 7
Tagged: FUBU, Oshkosh B'Gosh, Rape
“Do I have all the attentions of everyone? Attentions please. For those of y'all who do not know who I am, my name is Kenny Powers. And as fucked-up and weird as it may seem, I used to be a teacher here. But now I return to you. A victor, a champion, a man who has defeated the face of Mexican baseball...not to...get back my old job...fuck that noise.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 2: Chapter 7
Tagged: fucked-up, Weird, Victor, champion, Mexican Baseball
“See, in life, when you have talent all the other s**t doesn't matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 1: Chapter 3
Tagged: Talent
“I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising.”
— Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down, Season 1: Chapter 1
Tagged: Real Sports
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