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Bob's Burgers Quotes

“One man's trash is another man's Christmas gift for Dad!”
— Gene Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 5: Father of the Bob
Tagged: Christmas, Christmas Presents, Regifting, Trash
“It was a time in Japan when the evil monsters would attack the nice little villages for no good reason. And the only force in all of Japan who could stop them are...Hawk & Chick!”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 5: Hawk & Chick
Tagged: Japanese Monsters, Japan, Evil
“I should write a parenting book. Call it, ‘Hey You, I Saw That! Put It Back!’”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: The Kids Run Away
Tagged: Parenting Books, Parenting
“Two people, together forever. Security in life! And someone to love ya! Instead of being all alone, such a lonely existence. I'd kill myself!”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: My Fuzzy Valentine
Tagged: Security, Loneliness, Commitment, Suicide, Being Alone, Single Life Sucks
“I wanna take her stupid neck and wring it!”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 5: Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise
Tagged: Threats, Strangulation, Wanting To Kill People, Desire to Murder
“Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Ambergris
Tagged: Rich People, Golden Wieners, Money
“Wine helps me drink.”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: A River Runs Through Bob
Tagged: Wine, Drinking
“You're a hurtful slut, Bob!”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 2: Dr. Yap
Tagged: Hurtful Slut, Slut, Slut-shaming
“Bob: Wait, you read her diary?

Linda: Yeah.

Louise: What I can stomach.

Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.

Bob: Wha...what does it say?

Linda: It says, ‘I’m not on drugs.’”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 1: Sheesh! Cab, Bob?
Tagged: Anti-Jokes, Drugs, Diary
“Louise Belcher: How you doing, girl?

Tina Belcher: Um, not great. I feel like my soul has diarrhea.”
— Tina Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 7: The Quirk-ducers
Tagged: Diarrhea of the Soul
“Sorry, ballroom's been canceled. The teacher just waltzed out of here. Get it? I'm kidding. She died.”
— Receptionist, Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Bob Actually
Tagged: Death, Morbid Humor, Gallows Humor
“Mr. Ambrose: Ugggh! You've been a witch for what? Two days? Take it down a notch! You're playing with powerful forces; this is not kids' stuff.

Tina: I am powerful forces.

Mr. Ambrose: Witch, please!”
— Tina Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Teen-a-Witch
Tagged: Witches, Evil, Kids' Stuff, Witch Please
“Bob: Wait, I know how we can get back in front of Pesto.

Linda: Bob, it's not a race.

Bob: That's right, it's not a race, Lin. It's a war.

Gene: It's a race war.

Bob: Gene.”
— Bob Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Paraders of the Lost Float
Tagged: Race, War, Race War
“Linda: I like sandwiches.


Bob: You smell like you do.




Linda: You smell interesting too. You own a toothbrush, or are you still shopping around?”
— Bob Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Aquaticism
Tagged: Smell, You Smell, bad breath, sandwiches, insults, body odor
“Mr. Frond: So, you're in trouble again.

Louise: Drink some cranberry juice.


Mr. Frond: What? No, not ‘urine trouble!’ You are in trouble.”
— Louise Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 6: The Cook, the Steve, the Gayle, & Her Lover
Tagged: Puns, Misheard, Cranberry Juice, Urine
“Girl it's freaky
You trick-or-treat me
My teeth are extra sharp
My body's extra hairy
Got me runnin' in the dark
I love you so much
It's scary!”
— Boyz 4 Now, Bob's Burgers, Season 6: Hauntening
Tagged: Love Songs, Halloween Love Songs
“Teddy: You know that boat that I've been fixing up?


Linda: Yoooou've mentioned it.



Teddy: Well, I finally got her shipshape, and I thought it'd be fun to take you all out.



Louise: Kill us?



Teddy: No, take you out for a boat ride.”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Sea Me Now
Tagged: Threats, invitations, boats
“Louise, you do not want that flu bug. I had it and it gave me weird fever dreams. I dreamt I was in a book club with my cousin Vanessa, but she was a werewolf.”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Flu-ouise
Tagged: Flu, Fever Dreams, nightmares, Werewolves
“Oh, right! Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about—running around with a bunch of stupid birds and going on rides. Fine, go. But you know what? I am not making dinner!”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 5: Dawn of the Peck
Tagged: Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Dinner
“Tammy: Where's Tina? At home, crying into her butt?

Tina: No. My butt is dry. And strong.”
— Tina Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 5: Tina and the Real Ghost
Tagged: Dry Butt/Strong Butt, Crying Into Your Butt, Sarcasm, Resilience
“It's that gas from your ass
That toot from your boot
That hum in your bum
That loot from your chute
All that air from your ol' derriere
Come on and set it free
'Cause farts are liberty!
What do we wanna do? (Fart, fart!)
Open up your butt cheeks
This is how our butts speak
Let's
Go
Faaaaaart!”
— Darryl, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Easy Commercial, Easy Gommercial
Tagged: Farts, Gas, Gross, Derriere
“Teddy: Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?

Bob: Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.

Teddy: Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called ‘Equesticles.’

Bob: ‘Equesticles?’

Teddy: Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: The Equestranauts
Tagged: Equesticles, Equestrian
“Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Bob and Deliver
Tagged: Childbirth, Anti-Natalism
“Gene: [about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?

Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle?

Gene: I don't know. They're so condescending.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: A River Runs Through Bob
Tagged: Eagles, Condescending
“Linda: Mort, Teddy, what are you doing right now?


Mort: Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.



Teddy: Watching Mort adjust himself.”
— Linda Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Fort Night
Tagged: Adjusting Oneself, watching someone adjust themselves
“I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.”
— Tina Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Boyz 4 Now
Tagged: Bras, Heroes, boobs
“Tina: And his face?


Louise: It's so gross I want to slap it. I wanna slap it. I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!



Tina: You mean 'kiss?'



Louise: No, I mean 'slap.'



Tina: Whoa. You got it bad, girl.”
— Tina Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Boyz 4 Now
Tagged: kiss, Slap, Falling In Love, Infatuation
“Your ass is grass. And I'm gonna mow it.”
— Tina Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Boyz 4 Now
Tagged: Ass is Grass, Threats
“I love espresso, coffee, caffeinated teas, and then Jimmy Jr. In that order.”
— Tina Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: The Unnatural
Tagged: Priorities, Coffee, Espresso, Caffeinated Tea
“I'm not afraid of ghosts
I'm not afraid of sharks
I'm not afraid of cancer
I am just afraid of snakes!
They really creep me out
Where are their arms and legs?
It's not okay!”
— Gene Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: It Snakes a Village
Tagged: Ghosts, Sharks, cancer, Snakes, Fear, Phobias
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