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Zombieland Quotes

“You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: cock-blocking, Robot, Fucking
“It’s amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: Horrendous, shit storm
“[after his neighbor changes into a zombie] You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: Trust, Cannibalism
“The first rule of Zombieland: cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons...were the fatties.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: cardio, Fat-Shaming
“So until next time, remember: cardio, seatbelts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I’m Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying goodnight.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: cardio, seatbealts
“Wichita: You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country...where are you gonna go?

Little Rock: [sticks arms up in air] I’m going to Pacific Playland! Woo!”
— Wichita (Krista), Zombieland
Tagged: zombie apocalypse, pacific playland
“Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but I could hit that.

Columbus: Really?

Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.”
— Wichita (Krista), Zombieland
Tagged: Guts, puppy, baseball metaphors
“Wichita: Let’s play the quiet game.

Columbus: I’ve actually been meaning to ask you, have you been to Columbus, because I’ve been trying to...

Wichita: Have you never played the quiet game?”
— Wichita (Krista), Zombieland
Tagged: quiet game, colulmbus
“Columbus: [Columbus and Wichita are drinking wine] 1997. Was that a good year?

Wichita: Yeah! 1997 was a great year! I saw my first R-rated movie...Anaconda. Got my first tattoo, a porpoise. Fake. Had my first kiss...Scotty Lynch.

Columbus: Did you guys...[gestures with fingers]...use tongue?

Wichita: [laughs] Maybe. Why, are you jealous of Scotty Lynch?

Columbus: Yes. Actually, I think I’m jealous of your whole 1997. Let me see...I think...1997 I had my first orthodontist appointment...bastard gave me headgear...I got my first B...[Wichita laughs]...almost as scary as Anaconda...went to my first dance. Sadie Hawkins, so it was ladies’ choice...[pauses]

Wichita: And nobody picked you?

Columbus: Well, it was ladies’ choice.

Wichita: [pauses in disbelief] ...No! Those bitches! No, I will not stand for this. [stands, offers Columbus her hand] On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, I would like to dance with you. [Columbus looks at her, takes another swig of wine] Don’t worry. Scotty’s old news.”
— Wichita (Krista), Zombieland
Tagged: 1997, Tattoos, Anaconda, orthodontist
“In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? ‘Los submarinos.’”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Mexico
“You’ve got a pretty mouth. [hits a zombie with a banjo]”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Deliverance, Pretty Mouth
“Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. Let’s go ride the rollercoaster.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Evel Knievel, Rollercoaster
“Tallahassee: Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.

Columbus: And they’re so fat.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: slovenly, fat, Redundant
“Come on! Anybody hungry? Tallahassee’s nice this time of year.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Hungry, tallahassee
“[Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank God for rednecks.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Rednecks
“Hey, a little help with movin’ the couch. We’re makin’ a fort.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: couch, Fort
“Where are the fucking Twinkies?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Fucking, Exasperation
“Have you ever read that book ‘She’s Just Not That Into You’?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Books, Reading, she's just not that into you
“[turning to Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock after a zombie kill] What do you think? ‘Zombie Kill of the Week’?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Zombie Kill
“[to Columbus] You can do anything you want to a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fuck, Cadillac
“Wichita: [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking...

Little Rock: Yeah.

Wichita: —which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.

Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No—no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?

Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Monopoly, Facebook, epic, flush
“There’s a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies—the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Some day very soon, life’s little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Expiration Date, Universe
“Columbus: Hey, for fuck’s sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don’t have enough problems. Oh, they stole my Hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well, get over it! We can’t just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.

Tallahassee: Whoa.

Columbus: I know.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fuck, Shit, Trust, ass, Hummer, I Spy
“Columbus: [in voiceover] You see, he was in the ass-kicking business and...

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ...business is good.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Ass-Kicking, Business
“Here’s the deal: I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Bitch, difficult
“Bill Murray: You are staring at me. It’s a hairpiece! It’s a piece.

Wichita: It’s—I’m sorry. No, it’s just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.

Bill Murray: I just saw Eddie Van Halen.

Wichita: Nuh-uh.

Tallahassee: Really?

Bill Murray: Yeah.

Wichita: Wow.

Tallahassee: Where?

Bill Murray: The Hollywood Bowl.

Tallahassee: And how was he?

Bill Murray: He’s a zombie.

Wichita: Aw. Tough break.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Eddie Van Halen, Bill Murray, Hollywood Bowl, Zombie, hairpiece
“Columbus: You know there’s a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee: Back East, yeah?

Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it’s back East. Back east, they hear it’s out West. It’s all just nonsense. You know, you’re like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: east, West, North Pole, Penguins, South Pole
“Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else’s story?

Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: one-upmanship
“[Searching for Twinkies] Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkie, Spongy, yellow, Delicious, Bastards
“Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you’re a zombie? [Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]

Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I’m on fire! Ouch!

Tallahassee: You’re not a zombie, you’re talking and...you’re okay?

Bill Murray: The hell I am.

Wichita: I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was...it was ‘you’ you.

Tallahassee: Are you...? What’s with the get-up?

Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don’t mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: zombies, Pain, zombie makeup
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