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Grumpier Old Men Quotes

“John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman: What's your point?”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Sour Mllk, Apathy
“[TV on]

Geraldo: ‘Lesbian Bandits’ next on Geraldo.

Max: Ooooh, lesbians yummy.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Lesbians, Geraldo Rivera, Trash TV, Yummy
“John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.

Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.

John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.

Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.

[Grabs milk and smells it]

Max Goldman: Smells all right to me.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Apologies, Traitor, Benedict Arnold
“Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

John: He was always very fond of you, Max.

Max: He was a good man.

John: The best.

Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

John: He deserves Melanie.

Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

John: You wanna get drunk?

Max: Yeah.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Drinking, Memories
“Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time

Max Goldman: Me, neither.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Sex, Abstinence
“John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.

Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass.

John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net.

Max Goldman: You cut that, too, you dickhead.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Dumbass, dickhead
“Max: I am the gangster of love.

John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup?

Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Gangster, holdup, stickup, erectile dysfunction, Juvenile, penis jokes
“[singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: West Side Story, Bitch
“If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: dog, ugly, ass-shaving
“ [after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]

John Gustafson: I'm cold.

Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: cold, cold-blooded
“ [At Maria's restaurant in front of Ariel, Maria and Max]

John: Nobody slept with anybody.'

[Shows up in the background]

Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Horny, dirty old man
“[after Allie swallows a quarter]

Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie: Really?

Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: relax, swallowing quarters
“Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, ‘Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!’ And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, ‘Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!’ But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!

Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes!

Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Goldilocks, Three Bears, Remington
“[to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size cannelloni?”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Pickup Lines, cannelloni
“Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii.

Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.

Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?

Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.

Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting.

Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Pickup Lines, disgusting, Hawaii
“John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.

Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Wish, Crap, low-fat bacon
“Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

John: That's lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholesterol's a little too high.

Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John: Bacon.

Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?

John: What?

Grandpa: Huh?

John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Cholesterol, Lite Beer, Cigarettes, Bacon, weight loss
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