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Grandpa Gustafson Quotes

Total quotes: 6
“ [At Maria's restaurant in front of Ariel, Maria and Max]

John: Nobody slept with anybody.'

[Shows up in the background]

Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Horny, dirty old man
“[after Allie swallows a quarter]

Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie: Really?

Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: relax, swallowing quarters
“Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: sexual euphemisms
“Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: kids
“Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, ‘Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!’ And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, ‘Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!’ But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!

Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes!

Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Goldilocks, Three Bears, Remington
“Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

John: That's lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholesterol's a little too high.

Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John: Bacon.

Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?

John: What?

Grandpa: Huh?

John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Cholesterol, Lite Beer, Cigarettes, Bacon, weight loss
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