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Nick Offerman Quotes

Total quotes: 40
“There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Partridge
Tagged: Skim Milk, lying, Water, Personification Examples
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Anniversaries
Tagged: Frozen Yogurt, Celery, zero stars
“[Holds up iPod] 

TOM PUT ALL MY RECORDS INTO THIS RECTANGLE. THE SONGS JUST PLAY ONE AFTER THE OTHER. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Farmers Market
Tagged: iPod, Records, Songs, rectange, Happy
“Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.”
— Nick Offerman, TOP 25 QUOTES BY NICK OFFERMAN(of 142) | A-Z Quotes
Tagged: Work, Career, Passion, H4D-13
“I'm not interested in caring about people.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: Love, socialization, Human Interaciton
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Win, Lose, or Draw
Tagged: Scotch, Hard Liquor, Drinking, Alcohol Quips
“There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: Haircuts, Buzz Cut, Crew Cut, High and Tight
“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: motivation, Fear, Money, Hunger
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: Effigy, ex-wife, Ex-Wife Effigy
“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Tutelage, manhood, Gladiators, Boys To Men
“Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?

Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Summer Catalog
Tagged: Breakfast Food, idiots
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: Sarcasm, reception, Alone
“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: deathbed, final wish, Ex-Wives, Go to Hell
“Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Article Two
Tagged: Do Something, Nothing, helps, Work
“It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Andy and April's Fancy Party
Tagged: good idea, Coworkers, Capable, Pain
“My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Ron and Tammys
Tagged: Wife, ex-wife, mother, Tammy, Names
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Sweetums
Tagged: Carnivore, Meat-Eaters, Surf 'n' Turf, Turf "n' Turf, Porterhouse, T-Bone, cigar, American
“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: Ron and Tammy
Tagged: Simple Man, Pretty Women, Brunettes, Breakfast Food
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: worked, never learned, name, Best friend
“When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Born and Raised
Tagged: Chummy, Wrong Name, don't care
“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: I'm Leslie Knope
Tagged: need anything, deal with your problems, adults
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Road Trip
Tagged: Government, Teat, piglet, Chapped Nipples, Taxypayers
“[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: Bowling, Hooks, spin, Fuss, Figure Skating
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: The Comeback Kid
Tagged: Broad Brush, Thief, Miserable, Incompetent
“America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: humor
“Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: London, Part 1
Tagged: sting like a bee, float like a butterfly, Advice, Ridiculous
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Eagleton
Tagged: Birthdays, Hallmark, cards
“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Bowling for Votes
Tagged: food, Eat, Scared
“Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Flu Season
Tagged: idiots, give 100%, impossible, more than 100%
“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Prom
Tagged: Alcohol, block, Words, talking
“Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Possum
Tagged: Fart
“Lou Solverson: It's a diner robbery in Minnesota, Karl. Not a presidential assassination.

Karl Weathers: Oh, sure. That's how it starts—with something small, like a break-in at the Watergate Hotel. But just watch. This thing's only getting bigger.”
— Karl Weathers, Fargo, Season 2: Waiting for Dutch
Tagged: Presidential Assassination, Minnesota, Robbery, Watergate
“Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 4: Citizen Knope
Tagged: Capitalism, Smart, poor, God, determining
“My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Season 1: Boys Club
Tagged: Government, Nukes, Single Man, IQ, Decathalon
“ I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 2: The Stakeout
Tagged: born, Born Ready, confident, Pride
“Turkey can never beat cow.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 3: Soulmates
Tagged: Turkey, Cow, Meat-Eaters, Vegetarianism
“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: Fishing, Sport, Fish Meat
“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 5: Leslie vs. April
Tagged: Absurd, Breakfast Food
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
— Ron Swanson,
Tagged: humor
“Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.”
— Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation, Parks and Recreation Season 6: Ann and Chris
Tagged: Tears, Crying, humor
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