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John Mulaney Quotes

Total quotes: 27
“Does anyone have any Q-tips? Because I can't believe what I'm hearing.”
— Don Lentile, Documentary Now!, Season 1: The Eye Doesn't Lie
Tagged: Q-Tips, joke, Can't Believe It
“Marty Glouberman doesn't relax. The man eats on the toilet to save time.”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, Season 3: Florida
Tagged: relax, Eat, Toilet, Saving Time
“I'm the type of man you would catch at a party going through the coats.”
— George St. Geegland, Oh, Hello: On Broadway
Tagged: party, Coat, Type
“I am scared and aroused, the chocolate and peanut butter of feelings.”
— Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Season 6: Dadda Dia!
Tagged: Feelings, Scared, aroused, combination
“Wipe that spaghetti sauce off your mouth, because I've got another project for you.”
— Jerry Wallach, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Mr. Runner Up
Tagged: spaghetti, Mouth, project
“It was at that low moment that my indigenous friends introduced me to the cocaine leaf. Ten times more potent than the stepped-on powder sold in L.A. For the rest of the 70s, I lived like a jacked-up koala.”
— Jerry Wallach, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Mr. Runner Up
Tagged: Friends, Cocaine, Koala, Drugs, high
“A bondage-themed, improvised movie with borderline-unattractive no-name actors. The anticipation for our masterpiece kept growing and growing.”
— Jerry Wallach, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Mr. Runner Up
Tagged: Improvised , actor, unattractive, Masterpiece, Art
“This might be my morning soda talking, but fuck everybody, I'm outta here.”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, My Furry Valentine: Girls Are Angry Too
Tagged: Morning, soda, Caffeine, out, Leaving
“My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.”
— Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Season 4: The Funeral
Tagged: tense, Joe Biden, Dirty Joke
“If I ever get a chance to screw this man over, I will do it in a hot Texas minute. You do not mess with my music.”
— Robbie Wheadlan, Documentary Now!, Season 1: The Eye Doesn't Lie
Tagged: Chance, Screw someone over , Music
“It was an open secret in Hollywood. Like how Kevin Costner is three different people.”
— Jerry Wallach, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Mr. Runner Up
Tagged: Hollywood, Open Secret , Kevin Costner
“Nick: Are we really doing the Electric Slide right now?

Andrew: I guess. It is a bat mitzvah.”
— Andrew, Big Mouth, Season 1: I Survived Jessi's Bat Mitzvah
Tagged: electric slide, guess, dance, Bat mitzvah
“I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant page of Doritos, fall asleep on the floor, fart myself awake, and go down to dinner.”
— Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Season 5: No Nut November
Tagged: doritos, Fart, Routine
“Andrew: What's a head push?

Jessi: Its when a man pushes a woman's head to try to get a blowjob.
 
Nick: Wait that's a move!?”
— Andrew, Big Mouth, Season 1: The Head Push
Tagged: Cartoon Shows, Cartoon Network
“R-U-I-N-E-D. There's only one way to say it, 'Rooned.'”
— Simon Sawyer, Documentary Now!, Season 3: Original Cast Album
Tagged: Pronunciation, Ruined, picky, Sassy
“Leave it to Julie Andrews' little minion to [bleep] me over.”
— Jerry Wallach, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Mr. Runner Up
Tagged: Minon , Anne Hathaway , Julie Andrews , upset
“Fuck you, sit on this. Fuck your family.”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, Season 3: Super Mouth
Tagged: Family, Mad, Pissed Off
“Every time I move, I fart.”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, My Furry Valentine: Cellsea
Tagged: Move, Fart, Movement, embarrassed
“You cannot run from destiny.”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, My Furry Valentine: My Furry Valentine
Tagged: Destiny, Run, Fate
“Rage, rage, fucking rage!”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, My Furry Valentine: My Furry Valentine
Tagged: Rage, angry, upset
“Sorry, I fart when I'm lying.”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, Season 3: Disclosure the Movie
Tagged: Apologies, Fart, Lies
“I guess I should go to school, even though there's no porn there.”
— Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Season 1: The Pornscape
Tagged: Porn And Puberty
“We were determined to make the coke-iest movie ever.”
— Jerry Wallach, Documentary Now!, Season 2: Mr. Runner Up
Tagged: Movie, Coke, Goals, Projects
“Yeah, I got a nice big solid seat, don't I?”
— Andrew Glouberman (voice), Big Mouth, Season 3: Florida
Tagged: butt, Solid, seat
“I love my own thoughts!”
— John Mulaney, Unpopular Opinions About Mistletoe And Rudolph With John Mulaney
Tagged: Christmas, Holidays
“Read the tea leaves, honey!”
— Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Season 4: Poop Madness
Tagged: Tea leaves, Sassy
“You're getting your hair pubed? ”
— Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Season 4: The Funeral
Tagged: Questions, Perm, hair
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