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Jason Alexander Quotes

Total quotes: 115
“George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?


Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: condoms, Abstinence
“Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe
Tagged: Nice, Bad, Sick Society
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap
Tagged: Nap, Sleeping
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“There is no bigger loser than me!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Biggest Loser, Self-deprecation
“I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, Fantasies
“I've never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide
Tagged: Childbirth, Gross, disgusting
“Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Merv Griffin Show
Tagged: Pigeons, Animal Abuse
“You've got ‘shiksappeal.’ Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Serenity Now
Tagged: Shiksas, Jewish Men, Attraction, Jewish Mothers
“Listen to the comeback. ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.’”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback
Tagged: Comebacks, Zingers, Sick Burns
“Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Frolf, Frisbee Golf, Frisbee, Golf, Summer, Summer of George
“You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Space
Tagged: Parking, prostitution, Cheapness
“Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes
Tagged: Snubbing, Aloofness, Attraction, Women
“Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing
Tagged: Indonesia, War
“Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man
Tagged: Quitting, quitters, Heredity
“You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Secretary
Tagged: Attraction, Irony, Job Interviews
“Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out
Tagged: Articulate, Incoherent, Self-Deprecating
“She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice….Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe
Tagged: nice guys, Men, Women, Dating, Attraction, Society
“God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot
Tagged: Success, Fate, God
“Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went 'Ha!'”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: mothers, Humorless
“Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser
Tagged: Dating, Lunch, Dinner
“I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later, then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up
Tagged: Voicemail, Ghosting, Sex, Violation
“I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for forty years with that dry air. You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick
Tagged: Moses, Nose-Picking, Desert, Bible
“A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Lesbians, Respect, Attraction, Self-deprecation
“I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot
Tagged: Death, Death with Dignity, dignity
“I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot
Tagged: Test Results, positive, Negative, Irony
“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Borrowing, Money, Sex, Friends and Sex
“The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Marine Biologist
Tagged: Anger, Delis, Ocean, Soup, Old Men
“You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: Cheap, Petty
“I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no hair told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently, Baldie likes a slimmer guy.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Beard
Tagged: Baldness, Female Pattern Baldness, Fat shaming, Rejection
“You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Fusilli Jerry
Tagged: Dating, Out There, Electroshock Therapy
“I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Face Painter
Tagged: Love, friendzone, Aloofness
“I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement
Tagged: bathrooms, Bathroom Doors, inventions, Privacy
“You see those tears streaming down, you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement
Tagged: Breakups, Crying, Tantrums, manipulation, Guilt
“Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code
Tagged: Individuality, Codependency, Solitude, selfishness, Relationships
“I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up
Tagged: Hope, Indifference, Attraction, Hopelessness
“She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up
Tagged: menstruation, Sperm, periods, Fertility, Pregnancy
“In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Andrea Doria
Tagged: bald, Obesity, Stupid, Tragedy, Horror
“I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Wizard
Tagged: Bluffing, Hamptons, Brinksmanship
“I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Burning
Tagged: Christian Rock, Music, Musicians, Hipsters
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