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Jackie Gleason Quotes

Total quotes: 27
“Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Tagged: Drinking, Alcohol
“I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.”
— Jackie Gleason, Of All the Gin Joints
Tagged: Alcohol, Alcoholic
“Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a goddamn hurry.”
— Sheriff Buford T. Justice, Smokey and the Bandit
Tagged: Dr. Pepper, Goddamn, Car Movies
“If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason, 'How Sweet You Are!'
Tagged: Talent
“You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Christmas Party
Tagged: Riot, Moon, Threats
“Ralph: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything?

Alice: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Glow Worm Cleaning
Tagged: Fishing, Fat-Shaming
“[to Alice's mother; shouting] You—are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: Blabbermouth, Mother in Law
“Now I know why people play golf! It's not 'cause they like this game! It's just to get away from their wives! That's why they play!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Golf, Bad Marriage, wives
“Ralph Kramden: There isn't room in this place for you and me!

Mrs. Gibson: There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The Turkey
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on 'The $64,000 Question'. And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Quiz Show
Tagged: $64000 Question, aggravation
“Acting young ain't what keeps you young, but if you have some memories—some good memories—of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lunchbox
Tagged: Youth, Memories
“What I SAY about Norton is one thing; how I FEEL about him is something else!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Jellybeans
Tagged: Two-Faced
“It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 1
Tagged: Laughter, Pathos
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.”
— Jackie Gleason, Quote Unquote(A Handbook of Quotations)
“Ralph: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments.

Alice: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Suspense
Tagged: papers, Comic Books, Fat-Shaming
“Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.”
— Jackie Gleason, Book of Humorous Quotations
Tagged: Fat shaming, Obesity
“Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Ralph Kramden, Inc.
Tagged: Success, Relatives
“A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his martini.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Martini Book
Tagged: martini, Alcohol
“Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.”
— Jackie Gleason, The Theatre Quotation Book
Tagged: Modesty, Passion
“I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets.”
— Jackie Gleason, JACKIE GLEASON DIES OF CANCER; COMEDIAN AND ACTOR WAS 71
Tagged: Poverty
“Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] 'The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.'

Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by 'address the ball'?

Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here.

Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Golf, address the ball, Hello Ball
“Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Six Months To Live
Tagged: Mother in Law, Tolerance, Patience, US President
“Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a couple of 'Hello, Stupids' and stuff like that! Now I don't even get that, anymore, huh? Well, let me tell you somethin', and get this into your head! This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!

Mrs. Gibson: Oh, why don't you shut up?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The Turkey
Tagged: insults, Mother in Law
“Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose.

Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, 'People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.'

Ralph Kramden: How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Pickles
Tagged: drive-in theater, profit motive, Get Rich Quick Schemes
“Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?

Ralph Kramden: 98.6.

Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is?

Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?

[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]

Ralph Kramden: WHAT'S MY TEMPERATURE, NORTON?

Ed Norton: [crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!

Ralph Kramden: A hundred and eleven?

Ed Norton: Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Anniversary Gift
Tagged: Temperature, Thermometer, Fever
“[speaking to a recorder an apology to Alice] Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without ya. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I've said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice, it's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean, she's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have gotten mad at that, I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the *same old way*, Alice! She's a BLABBERMOUTH, Alice! A BLAAABBERMOOOUUUTH!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: Apologies, Mother in Law, Blabbermouth
“My father disappeared when I was about seven years old, never to show up again, and my mother died when I was quite young, and I didn't start school 'til I was eight years old because I had a brother who died when he was fourteen, and then with my father leaving I was the only thing left that my mother had and she was overly attentive to me and she didn't even want me to go to school. I was never allowed out in the street to play with the other kids. I would sit on the window and watch all the kids playing.”
— Jackie Gleason, Jackie Gleason 20/20, Part 1
Tagged: Youth, Fatherless Children
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