1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute photo

Dwight Schrute Quotes

Total quotes: 46
“Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Who is Justice Beaver?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Todd Packer
Tagged: Justin Beiber, mistake, misworded
“Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Gay Witch Hunt
Tagged: Buy, gay-dar, gay radar, Online
“I never thought I'd say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Finale
Tagged: Eating Too Much, Bone Marrow
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Peacocks, Powerpoint Presentations
“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Survivor Man
Tagged: hurt, accidentally, Stranger, purpose
“Pam Beesly: Dwight, am I hot right now?

Dwight Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Pam's Replacement
Tagged: Hot, Attractive, Sex, Impregnate, Attraction, Rude
“Oscar Martinez: Don't you want to see the baby?

Dwight Schrute: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Jury Duty
Tagged: Baby, humor, Genetics, Senator, Mash Up
“In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Classy Christmas
Tagged: Merry Christmas, Christmas, Fear
“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Words, description, Describing Yourself
“People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Nostalgia, Weakness
“Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: People, Population, Overpopulation, Plague
“"R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk'”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: sound, Alphabet
“When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Smile, Faking a smile, Honesty, Rude
“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Safety Training
Tagged: shun, Slapping, Silence, Amish, technique, Simile Examples
“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Gettysburg
Tagged: History, Civil War, irresponsible, erasure, Forgotten
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Business School
Tagged: are vampires real, werewolves and vampires, mythical creatures
“You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: The Duel
Tagged: Learn Your Rules, Nursery Rhymes
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Product Recall
Tagged: Identity Theft
“Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Initiation
Tagged: Advice, hurts my feelings
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same... except I could fly.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had absorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: humor, The Office
“All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“I wish I could menstruate. I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: The Office, humor
“Deangelo Vickers: Dwight. What's your take?

Dwight Schrute: What's the argument here? NBA, WMBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Deangelo Vickers: Man, you're smart!”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Inner Circle
Tagged: Offensive, Sexist, Sports, joke, Smart, Rude
“Dwight Schrute: Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

Oscar Martinez: How would anyone even know...

Dwight Schrute: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Dwight Christmas
Tagged: Christmas, Candy Cane, candy, Sweets, feces, Shepherd, crook, taste, Gross
“I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Couples Discount
Tagged: Pretend, Showdown, epic, Imagination, humor
“Growing up I performed my own circumcision.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Baby Shower
Tagged: Circumcision
“You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Excitement, nipples, Feelings
“And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
Tagged: Spelling, Failure, Word, Embarassing Moments
“At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Here Comes Treble
Tagged: Prank, pumpkin, Rot, joke, crazy, Failed Logic
“The eyes are the groin of the face.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Branch Wars
Tagged: Body Parts
“Ryan: Did you see Saw?

Dwight: Of course I see-saw. Mose and I see-saw all the time.

Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see, the movie Saw.

Dwight: Oh. Yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a see-saw.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 6: The Manager and the Salesman
Tagged: saw, Saw The Movie
loading next page...