Close ×

Brandon Gutermut Quotes

Total quotes (1)

Brandon Gutermut

Brandon Gutermut

Birthname

Total quotes (1)

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the 'pull out' method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

— Brandon Gutermut, via twitter.com

Pregnancy birth control Funny Jokes Funny Quotes Best Jokes of Twitter

Share

Related quotes to Brandon Gutermut tagged Pregnancy

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh

humor Pregnancy pregnant test Feeling Down Sad Troubles Feeling Emotion

Share

In reality, pregnancy medical care seemed to be one long list of rules.

— Emily Oster, Thinking About Pregnancy Like an Economist

Pregnancy Moms babies Women Motherhood Parenting

Share

One-eyed, bat-shit-crazy Janine. What will she give birth to? An Unbaby, with a pinhead or a snout like a dog's or no heart? The chances for a healthy birth are one in five, if you can get pregnant at all.

— Offred (June Osborne) (Elisabeth Moss),

Pregnancy Birth Defects

Share

We get the turkey baster full of old-man jizz, shoved up our twats so we can maybe pop out a baby for the Fatherland.

— Moira (Samira Wiley), The Handmaid's Tale, Season 1: Nolite Te Bastardes Carborundorum

Artificial Insemination Fatherland Pregnancy

Share

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies
"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"
"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke.

— Kawaii_Desu-Chan, Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

pregnant Pregnancy athlete comedian

Share

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

— Ellen Degeneres, Seriously...I'm Kidding

Women in Comedy Drunk Drinking Pregnancy

Share

Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

— Juno, Juno

humor Pregnancy

Share

The weight a woman gains during pregnancy, known as gestational weight gain (GWG), has important health implications for both mother and child.

— Nicholas P. Deputy, Gestational Weight Gain — United States, 2012 and 2013

Pregnancy Parenting Motherhood

Share

The message behind loving your body is a well-intended one, but it’s not for everyone.

— De Elizabeth, “Body Neutrality” Is the Best That I Can Do

Moms Bodies Body after Pregnancy Pregnancy Body Image Body Positivity Self-Love Self-Acceptance

Share

What’s the difference between a nine-month-pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing—if the pregnant woman’s partner knows what’s good for them.

— Unknown, 25 Brilliant Jokes About Pregnancy (Because Every Pregnant Woman Needs To LOL)

Pregnancy dad jokes

Share

Could this really be true? Could the basic premise of five torturous, expensive, and sad years’ worth of IVF—the very cornerstone of Western medical reproductive orthodoxy—be wrong? Could I still have good eggs?

— Elizabeth Katkin, It Took 7 Miscarriages, 10 IVF cycles, 9 Years, and Nearly $200,000 to Solve My Fertility Issues

eggs Fertility IVF Fertility Issues Miscarriage Pregnancy

Share

You don't just feel pregnant 30 seconds after a man cums.

— Offred (June Osborne) (Elisabeth Moss),

Pregnancy orgasm

Share

Serious note, Zika virus can be transmitted through sex so not just pregnant women need to be careful but their partners as well.

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer, via Twitter

Sex zika disease Pregnancy

Share

You can get pregnant on your period. Yes, it is highly unlikely but it’s not impossible so don’t use menstruating as an excuse not to use protection.

— Christina Huffington, 12 Things You May Not Know About Your Period

period Pregnancy period sex birth control

Share

Conventional wisdom says that you should gain 1-5 pounds in the first trimester and 1 pound per week for the rest of the pregnancy. However, few women follow this pattern exactly, so don’t stress out about it.

— Mama Natural, The Truth About Pregnancy Weight Gain | Mama Natural

Parenting Pregnancy Motherhood

Share

God impregnated a woman without her consent. Isn’t that kind of worse than rape?

— Unknown, 30 Sinfully Hilarious Religious Jokes And Puns

Pregnancy God Religion Rape

Share

My step-mom is forcing me to eat really healthy. She won't even let me stand in front of the microwave or eat red M&Ms.

— Juno, Juno

Pregnancy healthy

Share

Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.
Jupiter said to Pluto "Congratulations! I was surprised to hear that you're expecting!"
To which Pluto replied "Thanks. Yeah, I definitely didn't planet!

— CooperRAGE, Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.

jupiter pluto planet Pregnancy Puns

Share

I'm very much against the arrangement of procreation, at least for humans. If I could have designed it, it would be a toss-up who gets pregnant, the man or woman. Boy, that would end rape for one thing. And 'woman artist'? Disgusting.

— Dorothea Tanning, Between Lives: An Artist And Her World

feminism Rape Pregnancy Womanhood Girl Power Art Perspective Gender Wars

Share

If anyone still wants to sleep with me, then they're just gonna have to settle, I guess.

— Valerie (Michaela Watkins), Casual, Season 3: 99

Pregnancy Episiotomy

Share

I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic.

— Leslie (Christine Dunford), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Baby Shower

Pregnancy C-Section Psychosis

Share

She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up

menstruation Sperm periods Fertility Pregnancy

Share

A boy the size of a ten-pound bowling ball is working its way out of my body. Can you get me something for that? Can you get me a new vagina?

— Dr. Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson), Grey's Anatomy, Season 2: It's the End of the World

Childbirth Vagina Pregnancy

Share

Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

— Phoebe Buffay, The One With The Red Sweater

Funny humor Pregnancy Relationships Jokes

Share

Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.

— Chris Traeger, Parks and Recreation

humor Funny Dating Pregnancy

Share

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

— Nora Ephron, SheKnows.com Presents - The Mommy Files

Share

When I gave birth to my first child, some partners at work treated my taking maternity leave as the equivalent of abandoning a ship in the middle of a typhoon to get a manicure.

— Ellen Pao, Ellen Pao: This Is How Sexism Works in Silicon Valley

feminism Career Pregnancy

Share

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but—I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

— Juno, Juno

Love Pregnancy Dating Relationships Couples

Share

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.
I said, ‘Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.

— raydeep, My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

Pregnancy Temperature Baby

Share

Pack on way too many pounds and you increase your chances of gestational diabetes, hypertension and complications during labor and delivery (not to mention you’ll more likely find yourself with stretch marks plus extra pounds to shed once you've delivered).

— What To Expect When You're Expecting, How Much Weight You Should Gain During Pregnancy

Pregnancy Parenting Motherhood

Share

Trending Shows