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Brandon Gutermut Quotes

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Brandon Gutermut

Brandon Gutermut

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Total quotes (1)

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the 'pull out' method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

— Brandon Gutermut, via twitter.com

Pregnancy birth control Funny Jokes Funny Quotes Best Jokes of Twitter

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Related quotes to Brandon Gutermut tagged Pregnancy

Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

— Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That '70s Show, Season 1: Eric's Birthday

egg fallopian tube uterus Pregnancy Language Woman

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Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh

humor Pregnancy pregnant test Feeling Down Sad Troubles Feeling Emotion

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In reality, pregnancy medical care seemed to be one long list of rules.

— Emily Oster, Thinking About Pregnancy Like an Economist

Pregnancy Moms babies Women Motherhood Parenting

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One-eyed, bat-shit-crazy Janine. What will she give birth to? An Unbaby, with a pinhead or a snout like a dog's or no heart? The chances for a healthy birth are one in five, if you can get pregnant at all.

— Offred (June Osborne) (Elisabeth Moss)

Pregnancy Birth Defects

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We get the turkey baster full of old-man jizz, shoved up our twats so we can maybe pop out a baby for the Fatherland.

— Moira (Samira Wiley), The Handmaid's Tale, Season 1: Nolite Te Bastardes Carborundorum

Artificial Insemination Fatherland Pregnancy

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Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.

— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

Misfortunes wombs Pregnancy

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Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies
"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"
"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke.

— Kawaii_Desu-Chan, Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

pregnant Pregnancy athlete comedian

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I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

— Ellen Degeneres, Seriously...I'm Kidding

Women in Comedy Drunk Drinking Pregnancy

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Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

— Juno, Juno

humor Pregnancy

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The weight a woman gains during pregnancy, known as gestational weight gain (GWG), has important health implications for both mother and child.

— Nicholas P. Deputy, Gestational Weight Gain — United States, 2012 and 2013

Pregnancy Parenting Motherhood

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The message behind loving your body is a well-intended one, but it’s not for everyone.

— De Elizabeth, “Body Neutrality” Is the Best That I Can Do

Moms Bodies Body after Pregnancy Pregnancy Body Image Body Positivity Self-Love Self-Acceptance

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What’s the difference between a nine-month-pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing—if the pregnant woman’s partner knows what’s good for them.

— Unknown, 25 Brilliant Jokes About Pregnancy (Because Every Pregnant Woman Needs To LOL)

Pregnancy dad jokes

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Could this really be true? Could the basic premise of five torturous, expensive, and sad years’ worth of IVF—the very cornerstone of Western medical reproductive orthodoxy—be wrong? Could I still have good eggs?

— Elizabeth Katkin, It Took 7 Miscarriages, 10 IVF cycles, 9 Years, and Nearly $200,000 to Solve My Fertility Issues

eggs Fertility IVF Fertility Issues Miscarriage Pregnancy

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You don't just feel pregnant 30 seconds after a man cums.

— Offred (June Osborne) (Elisabeth Moss)

Pregnancy orgasm

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Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?

Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.

Nurse: So that would make the fetus—

Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.

Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.

— Ms. Cartman (Mary Kay Bergman), South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut

Fetus Pregnancy

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Eve Baxter: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world.

Mandy Baxter: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.

— Mandy Baxter (Molly Ephraim), Last Man Standing, Season 4: Sinkhole

Condescension Pregnancy insults

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Serious note, Zika virus can be transmitted through sex so not just pregnant women need to be careful but their partners as well.

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer, via Twitter

Sex zika disease Pregnancy

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You can get pregnant on your period. Yes, it is highly unlikely but it’s not impossible so don’t use menstruating as an excuse not to use protection.

— Christina Huffington, 12 Things You May Not Know About Your Period

period Pregnancy period sex birth control

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Conventional wisdom says that you should gain 1-5 pounds in the first trimester and 1 pound per week for the rest of the pregnancy. However, few women follow this pattern exactly, so don’t stress out about it.

— Mama Natural, The Truth About Pregnancy Weight Gain | Mama Natural

Parenting Pregnancy Motherhood

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God impregnated a woman without her consent. Isn’t that kind of worse than rape?

— Unknown, 30 Sinfully Hilarious Religious Jokes And Puns

Pregnancy God Religion Rape

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My step-mom is forcing me to eat really healthy. She won't even let me stand in front of the microwave or eat red M&Ms.

— Juno, Juno

Pregnancy healthy

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Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.
Jupiter said to Pluto "Congratulations! I was surprised to hear that you're expecting!"
To which Pluto replied "Thanks. Yeah, I definitely didn't planet!

— CooperRAGE, Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.

jupiter pluto planet Pregnancy Puns

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I'm very much against the arrangement of procreation, at least for humans. If I could have designed it, it would be a toss-up who gets pregnant, the man or woman. Boy, that would end rape for one thing. And 'woman artist'? Disgusting.

— Dorothea Tanning, Between Lives: An Artist And Her World

feminism Rape Pregnancy Womanhood Girl Power Art Perspective Gender Wars

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If anyone still wants to sleep with me, then they're just gonna have to settle, I guess.

— Valerie (Michaela Watkins), Casual, Season 3: 99

Pregnancy Episiotomy

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