2,218 quotes curated by Heidi Priebe:
“There are three things you must never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push further out to sea. Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor