25 Dwight Schrute Quotes That Will Make Your Own Co-Workers Seem More Bearable
Even the worst guy at your office isn't THIS bad.
Heidi Priebe
October 11, 2016
October 11, 2016
“When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had absorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”
Tagged:
humor, The Office
“All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“I wish I could menstruate. I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly... I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.”
Tagged:
humor, The Office
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“I saw 'Wedding Crashers' accidentally. I bought a ticket for 'Grizzly Man' and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push further out to sea. Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor
“There are three things you must never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
Tagged:
The Office, humor