“Well, I didn't see a penis today, but I definitely saw a big dick.”— Micah Schraft, Jennie Snyder Urman, Darci Factor, Justina Machado, imdb.com
“Did you have a genie in your bottle? Did you rub one out of him darling?”— Maria Melnik, Mad Sweeney, Pablo Schreiber, imdb.com
“Depression doesn’t just steal the depressed person’s capacity for joy. It throws its mantle over everything he has ever done and everything he could ever do. The depressed person dies not to save himself from the world but to save the world from himself. In this case the word depression makes clear…”— Sarah Manguso, amazon.com
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.uk
“Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate. Tina: She's a magnate magnet.”— Lizzie Molyneux, Wendy Molyneux, Tina Belcher, Dan Mintz, imdb.com
“I’m 20 weeks pregnant. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after he graduates college.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the definition of a good farmer? A man outstanding in his field.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What did one horse say to the other at the dance? You mustang-o with me.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com