If I had Instagram it would just be pictures of my son. Who is a cat.
Catalog
Quotes tagged ‘Women in Comedy’
I was going to make this new rule for myself 'no sex on the first date' that my new rule. So I quit dating.
You know what happened to Oprah at 23? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah. It wasn't a mistake. Because she wasn't Oprah. She was just some 23-year-old punk who needed to get fired so she could become Oprah.
I ain't no damsel in distress. You can go get the car baby while I handle these three thug muthafuckas.
I don’t like eating bananas in public. That is so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying ‘cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how to I de-dick this delicious treat…?
If these walls could talk they’d be like ‘damn bitch, you’re back in bed again!?’
Do you guys think it's worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?
In every group of girlfriends there's one friend who's like, the sluttiest. And if you don't have that friend — you're that friend. Let's be real.
I think that I get labeled a sex comic just because I'm a woman. Like, a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and people would be like, 'He's a thinker.'
Whenever there's a group of women you identify with on of the girls from Sex and the City. And if somebody's like, 'You're more like a Miranda,' you're allowed to be like, 'Why don't you kill yourself!?'
We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have, literally, is the Kardashians. A whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as a light suggestion?
Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it's so much fun. You're like, 'Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?' And then you're like, 'Oh no. He would fuck a mailbox.'
My arms register as legs. And my legs register as firewood.
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.