“When you’re fifteen and you’re trying to figure out a way to perform, a magic act is perfect. Because you buy a trick and then it’s got patter written in the instructions. You know, 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...' You memorize that and you’ve got a show.”— Steve Martin, amazon.com
“I only went up maybe twice after smoking a joint. And I slaughtered. I mean, I slaughtered the house. I annihilated everybody. At one point [Sam] Kinison was at the back of the room, and just for fun he was heckling me. And I was killing him. I was killing everybody. And I walked off stage and they…”— Jim Carrey, amazon.com
“My dog thought I was a singer… because dogs don’t understand standup comedy.”— Margaret Cho, tim.blog
“[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater. Lucy Ricardo: What? Ricky Ricardo: Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days. Lucy Ricardo: What did you do, bite him? [Audience laug…”— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com
“[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha. [Audience is silent] Lucy Ricardo: How many wheels does it have? [Audience laughs]”— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com
“The dreams of my life were to go on The Tonight Show and to have a small part in a movie. When I was 28, I had been on The Tonight Show a bunch of times, and Risa Bramon, who was casting Desperately Seeking Susan—I didn't know her, but she liked my stand-up—brought me to the attention of the directo…”— Steven Wright, avclub.com
“You're on a jet, you're five miles in the air, you're going 500 miles an hour, and you ask someone to bring you another Coke. That is as weird to me as any joke I said last night. I think that's why people identify with me, because there are a billion pieces of information, and there's so much chaos…”— Steven Wright, avclub.com
“Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. I don't even really write the jokes, they just come into my head, and a joke can't come into my head on stage, because I'm too busy.”— Steven Wright, avclub.com
“Over the years, I've learned that the best way to react [to hecklers] is to ignore them. I don't need to be in a two-man band with a stranger when I'm doing what I do.”— Steven Wright, avclub.com
“It’s like, I love making shit up and I love performing.…The mind is interesting to me. The mind is fun. I have fun hanging out with myself. I’m my own friend, and we have serious things, of course, but we also…I’ll think of things and laugh out loud by myself.”— Steven Wright, lasvegasmagazine.com
“I just started at an open mic night in the 1970s and I’m still going, still doing now what I started to do then. I know other people might look up to me. But really, I’m just me after a bit of time has gone by.”— Steven Wright, theguardian.com
“I love sex, I love it. I can't do shit no more. And I'm blessed. I'm big bone-ded. I'm heavy structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room get dark.”— Bernie Mac, youtube.com
“She said Mac, can I ask you a question, "Does pussy taste like pumpkin pie?" Made me mad as hell, I said "Don't ask me no damn question like that. I never had no pumpkin pie."”— Bernie Mac, youtube.com