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Quotes tagged “Remorse”
Mickey 'Bricks' Stone: What did you learn? In a sentence.
Danny Blue: Do it by the book.
Mickey 'Bricks' Stone: Screw up again, Danny and I'll have it tattooed on your arse.”
Goodbye my old friend. You could have lived a little longer, I could be closer to my dream. You were so loved, Don Tommasino. Why was I so feared, and you so loved? What was it? I was no less honorable. I wanted to do good. What betrayed me? My mind? My heart? Why do I condemn myself so? I swear, on the lives of my children: Give me a chance to redeem myself, and I will sin, no more.”
Cher: God, no! Nothing like that.”
With remorse, responsibility, with corrections, concepts of apology, the old me started whatever it was, factor X, sexual predator. The volcano was the building of all these years was the Otero, and probably the most devastating, upsetting to everybody is Josephine. I just don't know. Self-centered, very selfish, and it exploded on that day. And it did continue off and on. Dishonesty, definitely. Dishonesty, probably the first thing to the people that I encountered, that they trusted me, that I was going to tie them up, take their money, and leave, and then I killed them. That's dishonesty to my family, that—I would lie and cheat to be self-interested. To my employers and to the county, the taxpayers' money.
Ideal responsibility, yes, I had pride back then. To some degree I'm trying to drop down to that. But that's the media. I just seemed to crave the attention of the media. I think through the years that's quite present during the presentation and all the archives they had. You can understand that. The bottom line is of the old selfish, very disassociated with society, self-centered for my own purposes, and I take that full authority on my shoulders.
The victims. I wrote some notes down. I don't know if this is really appropriate or not. And then these things came—a lot of these came out of the paper because I didn't—I knew the people, you all know why I chose them. But I thought I'd share some things.
Kathleen Bright, and I hope I don't tread on the media, because I did use some of this from the media because I didn't know this much from the people. She spent time at her grandparents farm. Well, I did too as a kid. I have many, many, many fond memories of that, and I took that from her. She went to Valley Center. I was a Valley Center high schooler for two years there, walked the halls, probably the same line, shared maybe the same teachers, although they would have been older. She worked at Coleman, just like I did, trying to fill a job, as anybody would. Tried to keep, you know, our heads above water. And I took that from her.
Dolores Davis. She loved animals and I worked in animal control. I realize that the early years I probably did have some cruelty to animals. But I don't think if anybody asks Park City or anything they would say I was—I was always pretty good to animals. I have a great fondness for animals. I have pets and I know she had. And I read somewhere she had her last Christmas with her family, and I did too. That was a wonderful time, but I took that from her.
Nancy Fox, she was a wonderful person and I did—I did track her just like a predator. She was a wonderful young lady, well organized, hard worker. And I took her life.
Marine Hedge. She was a neighbor, one I walked by and waved to, a gardener. I love to garden, flowers. She attended church, the same church I had been to with the Boy Scouts.
Joseph Otero. He was in the Air Force. I was in the Air Force. He was a husband. I was a husband. Although I always wanted to be a pilot, I always had a fascination with aeronautics. He was a pilot. One time I even thought about taking pilot lessons. And a veteran, I was a veteran. So our threads are close.
Julie Otero is a lot like my wife, a loving mother, raised kids, and she also worked at Coleman.
Josephine. She would have been a lot like my daughter at that age. Played with her Barbie dolls. She liked to write poetry. I like to write poetry. She liked to draw. I like to draw. Someone mentioned that she was like peas in a pod. I think that probably comes from the Wichita Eagle Beacon wrote that down, give the credit to them.
Joseph Otero, II. He was just like me at one time, a boy and a dog. Again, that comes from the Eagle. I have many, many, many—many memories of a dog. Excuse me. I had a lot of memories as a kid with my pets. A boy and a dog is a thing you have to have when you're a kid.
Shirley, she was in the choir, mother, probably a very beloved mother, and I took her life.
Probably out of all the people I didn't know Vicki Vian very much. Although I walked by her place and listened to the piano. I appreciate music. That's one of the things I always wanted to learn was piano, and I took her life. She was also a beloved mother. She attended a church that I went to once, St. Andrews.
I hope I haven't left somebody out. I have to rebuild humility, basically humbled myself now. The detention center I'm going to, tried to realize—worked with the police department, worked with my defense. Tried to realize my faults, honesty. Again, I think I cooperated with the police as well.
I—I understand there were some smoke blowing, and that was probably my demise. The afterlife is smoke. The thing about JT Allen is smoke. BTK story early, parts of it were smoke. The problem is I did—blew so much smoke that now nobody knows facts or fiction, and that's basically my demise. I have been very honest with my attorneys. They've worked very hard. And we met almost every day earlier, before the plea, somewhat less after that. But it's basically all over.
And Steve encouraged me not to go with an early plea so he could do more. They did all the things they could with the floppy, had an expert come in, go over the floppy to see whether there was any problems with that. They did extensive research on the DNA. There is a sore spot with me when they took my daughter, but I understand in law enforcement you have to do certain things.
And I think honesty, people will say I'm not a Christian, but I believe I am. So anyway, I faced up to the man himself now, my boss. I think that all points to accountability and full responsibility now.
And my remorse, I think—I think it's here. And I know the victims' families won't ever be able to forgive me. I hope somewhere deep down eventually that will happen.
When this happened, I was what I would say not total at one time. Part of me only the thoughts that compartmentalize. That is probably as the—the State started to show today was the compartmentalization of me. And that has been my biggest wreck back and forth. I'm not proud of that. It's just an escape mechanism, defense mechanism. I could switch back and forth fairly fast. I explained to the defense I was kind of like an 8-wheeler, either uphill or downhill I could switch gears very fast and rapidly, back and forth. And as I stand here in this humble way maybe people think I've done that and gone back to compartmentalize, but I don't think so. So anyway, it's given me the face to see today and not the things in the past, only remorse….I accept full responsibility. I'm going to a penal institution, full board, and I do not expect anything but the Hard 40 today. I expected that on the plea. That's why I stepped up to the plea. I knew after I talked to the police, the evidence, there wasn't any way I was really going to get out of this unless we found some way of—some evidence that was just totally out of it. And the trial would have been a long, drawn out, to the plea. There was no way that I was ever going to get out of this. I think the corrections, I'm away from society now. I'll do my healing process there as well as I can, start my new chapter in life.
And I suppose in all good time, as everybody knows Rader has to complain a little bit. So I would like to do some minor ones. Not because I want to complain today, but I want to set the record. This is my last time. Probably the biggest problem I have right now, and we're still trying to answer is what happened to Mendoza. I had a trust with that person, the psychiatrist. The defense is working on it, I know other people are working on it. But that was a—I just don't know what happened, and maybe that will happen.
Another one is the—and I—I'm just basically expressing this. I don't have control on it, but wish somebody would take heart to it is the lien on my house. That final victim, as Mr. Davis, said is my wife….She is my final victim, that and my family. She knew nothing about this, and yet the laws, as I understand it, is the lien went on the house because I have property. There's a lot of defendants that stand up here, don't have anything to go after. I know this is very expensive. Probably the defense is running somewhere 80, 90,000, just about what the house sold for. If we'd have gone to trial it would have been millions and years. So I just basically ask that whoever does that final judgment, that they think about my wife.
The other one is, not a biggie, it's not this last issue, but I'd ask for my wallet so I could get some personal pictures out of it. I was hoping the defense would have a court order that before I leave today I could go through that wallet and take some family pictures. But that's not a big issue, because I understand through code of ethics the defense will turn that probably over to the family as well as my clothes. So those are really the only complaints.
Except for PowerPoint. I don't—and again I don't want to pick on the law enforcement. They've done a very good job, but I do want to clarify a few things just for the records, because this is basically my final say.
First of all, there was two actors that were brought out, the chain walk, or John Wayne and James Bond. The action of that with Kevin was the shooting, not because I stood up and shot him. It's because when I was working with the police, that was what I call a quick draw, just like that (indicating). That's what I call the John Wayne shot. It's not that he would do something like that.
Secondly, we fought and for us to fight, he had to have both his hands open. The PowerPoint said that he basically stood up, he was tied and I shot him, and that is incorrect. We fought and I backed off. He had his hands out, and I shot him again. And again, these are only minor. It does not make any difference. It's probably irrelevant. I just want to set the record straight and that's all, sir.
Vian, it was—the PowerPoint was perceived that I was strangling Shirley, I stopped to comfort the kids. That's just the opposite. She or I both put the kids back in the bathroom, comforted them there before we went in and what happened. So the toys and all that were put in there earlier. It's basically to clarify that on that.
And this is really minor, although it makes you wonder whether the information is tainted or not, the evidence, or makes you speculate what law enforcement did do, although it looked like they did a good job, a hundred percent.
The Dolores Davis graves, they put back and forth. If anybody knows anything about geology, structure, those trees and stuff were not at Lake Cheney. They were over in the eastern part of the United States. And those pictures that came in the mail were not—were not the other ones, they were all from the grave site at Cheney.
Probably the most damaging to me was the pornography they displayed. Yes, they have pornography of what I drew. But I didn't see where they had a lot of pornography, but they brought two pictures out. Family will know I didn't own a camper. I had a pickup with a camper top, but I didn't have any shelves in that. So basically the evidence was totally tainted. They either picked up a picture from somewhere else or inserted it or didn't realize it. That may have been a relative, I'm not sure, but I would think if they had more pornography they would have showed it. That's basically the clarifications.
The other thing is with the law enforcement, there seemed to be—I was portrayed as a dog catcher. I did go to HA law enforcement. I felt like I did have a rapport with the law enforcement people during the confession, as they probably said in the paper, I'd still probably be talking if the defense person didn't show up. We had a good rapport. I almost felt like they were my buddies. At one time I asked about LaMunyon maybe coming in and having a cup of coffee with me. So there was a rapport. I have always had a great respect for law enforcement, although I wore a black hat instead of a white hat.
Thanks. I can't believe the people that have helped me on this. Starting with, I think you as a society have to—even though I am a criminal, I think you have to appreciate the police department. They have done a lot of work. Even though it took long time, they gathered evidence, they had that evidence. When they got the key suspect, they zeroed in on them very rapidly. So they have the dedication. Like Mr. Landwehr for all these years is great. So I think Sedgwick County really has a good police force.
Defense. This has been a unique, probably a different type case than they've ever had. We've had our ups and downs, but also they've been good. It's just like a new learning curve. It's just a new curve. And the media has just been terrible. I worked with the media afterwards. It—I mean, it just—it's just tremendous. They've done very good. Sarah has probably been my—probably my work horse. I really appreciate her. She's done a lot of good work. Steve, he had to keep heads on all this. It was very hard, very hard for him.
I want to go ahead, since I worked with defense very close, to give them a personal, make sure I go through the list here. I already mentioned Steve, Sarah McKinnon. Everybody knows Steve. Another one that helped me was Jama Mitchell. I think she's on a case today probably, is that correct, In El Dorado. Okay. Lea Ann Standrich, she was a social worker that did a lot of research for me earlier. I appreciate her helping that. Jenny Blaine, special investigator, and the Janie Chambers, she's the one that cut my hair, brought my clothes up. So I have—they were basically my family, so I appreciate that.
On professional staff, although we have some questions with Robert J. Mendoza and what happened there, I think that in time will be solved, but I still have to give him credit for coming in and helping me and working with me. And I'm sure—I hope I pronounce that right, Paula K. Walters, she was the other doctor that came in and they were all from Cambridge Forensic Society or Consultants. So I really appreciate the defense. They've done a lot for me, kept me advised.
Sedgwick County Detention Center. I was really scared when I first came in here, never been—I've never been arrested before. I really didn't know what to look—I was basically 4days, 42, 4days up there in isolation. First the officers, the patrol officers, they call them deputies there, pod deputies. They didn't know me, I didn't know them. But they finally opened up and they became human, and I think they realized I was human too. Eventually I moved over to pod 2, and that's very much camaraderie with what I call the dirty dozen or the peas in the pod. They were a bunch of great guys. Most of those guys are now—I have a lot of respect. I sat down with them, all have crimes, but there's—you basically build a camaraderie with those type people.
The people who moved me around. I'm what they call—I call it hot pepper or habanera red. We have special movers. Again, I hope I pronounce these—from the detention area. I hope I pronounce these people's last names right. If I leave somebody out, I apologize for that. One I have is Robert Hinshaw, Captain Barbara Maxwell, Captain Gwen Kurtz, Lieutenant Larry Bratz, Sergeant, he's my main Sergeant, he's the one that's been very, very close with me, worked with me, David Millen, and I have a lot of respect for him. He's been my main Sergeant.
On the judicial, I'll probably mess up this last name, but it's Daniel Bardezbain, and I messed that up. I'm sorry. Brad Hoch. There's many, many, many more beyond those. I would be here a long time, so I do appreciate all those people that helped.
Pastor Clark. He has been my main man, come to see me every day—or not every day, excuse me, at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. If anybody I was dishonest to was that man right there, under the house of God created these things, these atrocious acts, and for him to—for him to stay with me and remain strong, well, he's a good man. I appreciate that. He also went with me early this week, went through confession, I sat down, went through each of the people I killed, confessed on that. And I felt the strengthening of some bonds there at that time with him.
Family, the last victims. I don't even want to start with them. You know, there's—they're still supportive a little bit. My wife's gone on, divorced, she's trying to stay out of harm's way. Since my kids are away, I don't get much letters or anything from them, but they're basically supportive….Friends. Without friends a person, I don't think in this—what I've been here 75, 7days, you couldn't survive without friends, if you didn't have family to support you, you didn't have something or somebody come to you like Pastor Clark, you'd go down, just mentally you'd go down. So friends have been a very key part.
People in the pod, pod deputies, Sergeant, although they can't have a real friendly relationship, they're friends. I got this out this morning, the other day when I was working out. This comes from the daily devotions, a Christian book. It's called Touched By a Stranger, which is an article, and at the bottom there's an article. It's by Hess. There isn't a first name for it, but is something like a friend would do. I would appreciate it. Like refreshing rain in summer, the gentle breeze in spring. Just a little gift of kindness, joy someone's heart can bring.
With the media exposure my family basically had to almost just stay away, so I really didn't have any support. There was one people—one person that stepped up, Christina Casarona, that really helped, and I really appreciate her support. There's another one out on the west coast, Andrew Pershaw. He's another Christian and really supportive. I would have gone down a long time ago without their support, so I do want to mention their names.
Christian Bible verse I found and I think helping me, will help me, leading me. This is John 8:2. I am the light of the world. He who follows me shall not walk in darkness but have light of life. Now that I've confessed, put myself out to let everybody know what's going on, I expect to be healed and have life, and hopefully someday God will accept me.
I think Sedgwick County, myself, we speak of a man as an evil man, a dark side is there, but now I think light is beginning to shine. So I appreciate the family and friends and all I can be thankful for. And I think that will keep me from finally going to the dark side early on.
Finally, my final apologize to the victims' families. There's no way that I can ever repay them. That's all, sir.”
It is over now. This has never been a case of trying to get free. I didn’t ever want freedom. Frankly, I wanted death for myself. This was a case to tell the world that I did what I did, but not for reasons of hate. I hated no one. I knew I was sick or evil or both. Now I believe I was sick. The doctors have told me about my sickness, and now I have some peace.
I know how much harm I have caused. I tried to do the best I could after the arrest to make amends, but no matter what I did I could not undo the terrible harm I have caused. My attempt to help identify the remains was the best I could do, and that was hardly anything. I feel so bad for what I did to those poor families, and I understand their rightful hate. I now know I will be in prison for the rest of my life. I know that I will have to turn to God to help me get through each day. I should have stayed with God. I tried and failed and created a holocaust. Thank God there will be no more harm that I can do. I believe that only the Lord Jesus Christ can save me from my sins.
I have instructed Mr. Boyle to end this matter. I do not want to contest the civil cases. I have told Mr. Boyle to try and finalize them if he can. If there is ever money I want it to go to the families. I have talked to Mr. Boyle about other things that might help ease my conscience in some way of coming up with ideas on how to make some amends to these families, and I will work with him on that. I want to return to Ohio and quickly end that matter so that I can put all of this behind me and then come right back here to do my sentence.
I decided to go through this trial for a number of reasons. One of the reasons was to let the world know these were not hate crimes. I wanted the world and Milwaukee, which I deeply hurt, to know the truth of what I did. I didn’t want unanswered questions. All the questions have now been answered. I wanted to find out just what it was that caused me to be so bad and evil. But most of all, Mr. Boyle and I decided that maybe there was a way for us to tell the world that if there are people out there with these disorders, maybe they can get help before they end up being hurt or hurting someone. I think the trial did that.
The judge in my earlier case tried to help me, and I refused his help, and he got hurt by what I did. I hurt those policemen in the Konerak matter, and I shall ever regret causing them to lose their jobs, and I only hope and pray they can get their jobs back because I know they did their best, and I just plain fooled them. For that I am sorry. I know I hurt my probation officer, who was really trying to help me. I am so sorry for that and sorry for everyone else I have hurt. I have hurt my mother, and father, and stepmother. I love them all so very much. I hope that they will find the same peace I am looking for.
Mr. Boyle’s associates, Wendy and Ellen, have been wonderful to me, helping me through this worst of all times. I want to publicly thank Mr. Boyle. He didn’t need to take this case. But when I asked him to help me find the answers and help others if I could, he stayed with me and went overboard in trying to help me. Mr. Boyle and I agreed that it was never a matter of trying to get off. It was only a matter of which place I would be housed the rest of my life, not for comfort, but for trying to study me in hopes of helping me and learning to help others who might have problems. I know I will be in prison. I pledge to talk to doctors who might be able to find the answers.
In closing, I just want to say that I hope God has forgiven me. I think He has. I know society will never be able to forgive me. I know the families of the victims will never be able to forgive me for what I have done. But if there is a God in heaven, I promise I will pray each day to ask them for forgiveness when the hurt goes away, if ever. I have seen their tears, and if I could give up my life right now to bring back their loved ones, I would do it. I am so very sorry.
Your honor, I know you are about to sentence me. I ask for no consideration. I want you to know that I have been treated perfectly by the deputies who work for the jail. The deputies have treated me professionally and I want everyone to know that. They have not given me special treatment.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: “Christ Jesus came into this world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King Eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever.” -1 Timothy 1:15-17
I know my time in prison will be terrible, but I deserve whatever I get because of what I have done. Thank you your honor, and I am prepared for your sentence, which I know will be the maximum. I ask for no consideration. ”
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