When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man…
— Jennifer Celotta, Caroline Williams, Dwight Schrute, Rainn Wilson, imdb.com
There’s the one percent that’s super rich...and the one percent that manages to get pregnant while taking birth control.
What do people really mean when they say ‘congrats’ on your pregnancy? Nice work doing what teenagers manage to do by accident every day!
What’s the weirdest stage of pregnancy? When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or buy you a gym membership.
Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
What do you do when your daughter, who claims she hasn’t slept with anyone, gets pregnant? Start a religion.
How is being pregnant like being a kid again? There’s always someone telling you what to do.
Girl: ‘Mom, I’m pregnant again!! It must be something in the air! Mom: Yup...your legs, honey.
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is that right? Yes, in the way that a tornado might be referred to as merely an air current.
When’s the best time to get an epidural? Immediately after learning that your girlfriend is pregnant.
What’s the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Is there anything in particular I should avoid in the aftermath of childbirth? Yes. Pregnancy.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Are you having a natural childbirth? Why, yes—in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she’s pregnant.
What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? You should’ve taken it out earlier.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.
What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant? Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
How many days are there in a month? Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234.
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