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Quotes tagged ‘kids’

(164 total)

Me: What are you doing? 7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree. Me: There aren't any presents under the tree. 7: I know. Passive aggressive level 9000.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: The pig always messes up my blankets. Me: Then why do you keep putting her in your bed? 5: Because I love her.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Why does every break end with us going back to school? Me: How else would it end? 5: With another break.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

[dropping kids off at school] Me: Have fun. 5-year-old: Then why am I here?

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

[listening to "We Three Kings"] 7-year-old: Where were the queens? Me: Back at their castles. 7: Taking over for good.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Girls can be anything. Me: You can't be a monkey. 5: *enraged monkey shriek*

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

My 3-year-old tackled my 5-year-old because she stole her imaginary money. Imaginary crime doesn’t pay.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: Time to wake up. 5-year-old: Is it Christmas?! Me: No. 5: *goes back to bed*

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

7-year-old: Do you think Santa is making our presents right now? 5-year-old: Maybe not. We were pretty bad.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

3-year-old: *points to dog* That's my dog. Me: Yup. 3: *points to pig* That's my pig. Me: Yeah. 3: *points to me* You're my person. I'll take that.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: You look very handsome. 7-year-old: Girls can't be handsome. Me: Then what are you? 7: Awesome.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Can we play the snack game? Me: How do we play? 5: Give me a snack. Me: Then what? 5: I win.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

7-year-old: I feel sorry for Jesus. Me: Why? 7: He was born on Christmas.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: What do you want for Christmas? 3-year-old: A nutcracker. Me: Why? 3: To crack nuts. Oh.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Did you buy us presents for Christmas yet? Me: Is that this month? 5: *death stare cold enough to freeze fire*

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Sometimes boys are bad. Me: What about the rest of the time? 5: Boys are really bad.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

7-year-old: Santa isn't real. Me: That's right. 7: But he can still stop here if he wants to.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: How come only Mom wraps presents? Me: She's better at it. 5: What are you better at? Me: Unwrapping them.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: *stands on the bathroom scale* 5-year-old: Good job! That's a big number.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: How was your last day of school before break? 5-year-old: We didn't even learn!

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

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