Quote
Catalog

Quotes tagged ‘Funny Quotes’

(176 total)

Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

— Jess, twitter.com

Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

— Sarcasticsapie, twitter.com

I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

— Stabbatha Christ, twitter.com

Studies show that if you eat well, exercise, and don't do drugs or alcohol, YOU WILL DIE.

— Unknown, quora.com

For Halloween I'm gonna be emotionally stable. No one's gonna know it's me.

— Violet Benson, instagram.com

Why do fish live in salt water?... Because pepper makes them sneeze!

— JDogg_of_RS, reddit.com

True friendship is hating on everything together.

— Violet Benson, instagram.com

Your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screen captured, sent to friends and ridiculed.

— Violet Benson, instagram.com

Me, finding my own shit in my sister's room while I'm stealing her shit: Why the fuck does my sister think it's ok to steal my shit?

— Violet Benson, instagram.com

Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.

— Weese Jr, twitter.com

Why am I always the last to know that I'm in an open relationship?

— Henry, twitter.com

He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

— Dan, twitter.com

Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.

— Steve Mieczkowsk, twitter.com

Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.

— Olivia Twiste, twitter.com

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

— Little Greenis, twitter.com

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

— Agent Averag, twitter.com

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

— VeryBritishProblems, twitter.com

I have a feeling I already know which direction my 'Get rich or die trying' lifestyle is headed.

— Jordan Stratton, twitter.com

Wakes up from two year coma surrounded by friends and family: Where's my phone?

— Mattzilla, twitter.com

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

— Mike Primaver, twitter.com

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