Quote
Catalog

Quotes tagged ‘Funny Quotes’

(176 total)

When I see someone smile at me all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

— Dwight, amazon.com

I've been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower.

— Creed, amazon.com

I have egg in my croc.

— Michael, amazon.com

What's a two way petting zoo? Jim: You pet the animals they pet you back.

— Jim, amazon.com

On sex: ‘Unless I just scored a touchdown for a flag football team, don’t spank my ass.

— Jenna Marbles, jennamarblesblog.com

Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

C'est comme choisir entre peste et cholera.

— Sam Touzani, samtouzani.com

If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.

— Audrey Porne, twitter.com

I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.

— Cause We're Guys, twitter.com

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

— Sherry, twitter.com

Saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

— Matt Oswalt, twitter.com

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

— Jimmy Sharpe, twitter.com

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

— Elizabeth Hackett, twitter.com

I'm sick of the commute to my refrigerator.

— June O'Hara, twitter.com

Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.

— Holly Ann, twitter.com

To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.

— Bad Joke Cat, twitter.com

I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!

— Aziz Ansari, youtube.com

My bank statement just looks like a list of every fast food restaurant within a 10-mile radius.

— Christopher Hudspeth, twitter.com

A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.

— Christopher Hudspeth, twitter.com

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