The best defense is a good offense. Nobody likes a heckler, but we don’t want to see him quietly dragged out; we want whoever’s holding the mic to roast him alive, to watch a humiliating, but voluntary, exit.
Catalog
Quotes tagged ‘Comedians’
I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I am a comedian because I tell dark jokes.
Real comedians want to go on every single night.
You got a smart she-she crowd here. Look they're all in their underwear.
You are a wonderful audience. You really are. Snap out of it, ah?
[To Jay Leno] I've been waiting back stage for an hour and a half. Waiting for you to get through your funny car bits.
[To Jay Leno] What is this a Nazi movie? What's Jewish got to do with it!?
Rose: What a day. One sad person after another. Dorothy: Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?
Garden in an Italian family is huge. That's where we get a lot of our food from. That night we found out there was a raccoon that was eating a lot of our tomatoes. My father was like, ya know, we're going to murder these things. Get the anti-freeze. And we make balogne sandwiches soaked in anti-free…
I try to be friendly, it doesn't work.
She thinks I have a mean resting face. Like when I'm not smiling or talking it looks like I could murder your family.
I'd like to think maybe I would be in the hospitality business. Although, I have a bit of a problem with people.
As soon I walk in, there's like 25 pairs of shoes right there in the door way. I'm walking around this guys house, with my socks on, talking to other people with their socks on. How could you have a conversation with another man, looking at their golden toe?
When did it become appropriate to come out in a flip-flop and sandals for a steak dinner? I'm trying to enjoy a T-Bone and I gotta look at some guys hoof.
Quitting smoking, now that's a tough one. My wife and I made a deal, we'll only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack now since 1975.
Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to the party and suddenly I'm the weirdo.
I got alcohol poisoning. Its not fun, I don't recommend it. Its actually so funny because you can die that way. Its such a weird way to die, its so stupid. But its funny to me trying to explain it. Dying that way. "Dude did you hear about Nick? He died." "What, how? Who did it?" "Nick." "With what?"…
That movies called Boner Soup? About the dad who died and the kids? What the fuck is Boner Soup? I didn't see a boner or soup in the whole trailer.
I always thought it would be really funny if they showed a really dramatic trailer, really serious, and they have a title at the end of it that has nothing to do with the trailer. This is again to mess with the audience.
I always thought it would be funny if a movie like that, to mess with all the stoned people in the audience. If right before the movie started, like Transformers, they put "Based on a True Story".