“I don't want a dead Jesus! I don't want a dead Jesus!”— Thomas Baum, Rev. Nolan Powers, Gary Busey, imdb.com
“I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.”— Will Ferrell, Cal Naughton, Jr., John C. Reilly, imdb.com
“[drunk singing] Back up in your ass with the resurrection.”— Mike Judge, Samir Nagheenanajar, Ajay Naidu, imdb.com
“You'll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags.”— David Kohan, Max Mutchnick, Karen Walker, Megan Mullally, imdb.com
“Naturally, I now love Jesus very much. Yes, I love him so damn much that I would like to crucify him all over again!”— Carl Panzram, www-rohan.sdsu.edu
“I can assure you that no kingdom has ever had as many civil wars as the kingdom of Christ.”— Baron de Montesquieu, amazon.com
“I have read descriptions of Paradise that would make any sensible person stop wanting to go there.”— Baron de Montesquieu, amazon.com
“Do you think that God will punish them for not practicing a religion which he did not reveal to them?”— Baron de Montesquieu, amazon.com
“Christianity…is an old metaphysical fiction, stuffed with fables, contradictions and absurdities: it was spawned in the fevered imagination of the Orientals, and then spread to our Europe, where some fanatics espoused it, where some intriguers pretended to be convinced by it and where some imbeciles…”— Frederick the Great, amazon.com
“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.”— Trevor Noah, amazon.com
“How many Catholic priests does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one usually, unless perhaps it’s high up and somebody else is needed to hold the ladder steady.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What do you do when your daughter, who claims she hasn’t slept with anyone, gets pregnant? Start a religion.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Why did Jesus die a virgin? Every single ‘wound’ he touched closed up.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What do priests and McDonald’s have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com